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Forum Announcements => Forum Announcements => Topic started by: Tania+ on May 12, 2006, 12:59:32 AM

Title: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 12, 2006, 12:59:32 AM
Dear Friends,

I have been holding back, thinking I was strong enough, and not weak to ask for your support.
In the end, I have decided it is not wrong to reach out to others, to ask for help and support,
if only in asking for your words of thoughts.

Tonight, I finally have come to the end of trying to put on a brave face, or that I can weather
this alone. Plain and simple, as a human being, i can't. I hope therefore you can excuse my
frailties in writing out my thoughts to you here, and thank you for your heart and ears.

Today, as well as this last six months, my family and I are going through extremes of issues of illnesses, which hold difficulty in every way long and short term. One of our parents is going through pace maker issues, cervical cancer, and added complications, hospitalized just early this morning. I am again on the tip of fighting with every thing I have, not to go back on dialysis. Outcome there, possibly no donor as I am o negative, and no match to date. I can take no medications what so ever because I have only 20% left of kidneys functioning. So with daily chronic pain, it is very hard at times to focus, let alone function. I apologize for any upset to any of AP members. It is not intentional to cause either upset, or be affrontive to any of you. At this time, all my physicians can offer me is dialysis, and that is all in the end, period. For the past three years, by the grace of prayer, I have lived, and continue to live, because that is all I have left to hold on to. My physicians are at a loss in terms of how I have been able to live this long without dialysis.

I express this so you might understand a little of why I may seem a bit of a distance. I have never had to go through such a humbling experience as this, and don’t know how to express my thoughts on this, other than allow you into my experience to date. I have written to physicians around the globe asking what solutions there are for chronic round the clock pain. They have no answers to date. I have taken the liberty of writing to some of you here, thinking you might have answers. To date from every place, it is the same answer, nobody knows, and so with difficulty, I fight to continue another day. I can’t even take any medication to treat the Multiple sclerosis. I feel totally lost in this battle at times, but then again, faith seems to see me through. I genuinely am thankful that this forum exists, and for the many of you who have been kind enough to offer me uplift, and words of hope.

I write to ask first for your forgiveness for any rudeness I may have caused any of you. Secondly if at all possible, you might be able to offer me a thought, or if at all, a prayer that I may have if at all possible, diminished pain. I know I can’t ask for anything else, because it is out of our control and I will have to deal with what is. So, if you might have a moment, I ask for a positive way for me to hold on to good thoughts, or even a beautiful picture of beauty, anywhere in the world, and if at all possible, a short prayer for our loved ones, and for me.Thank you for your time and your kindness to read my post.

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: aussiechick12 on May 12, 2006, 01:42:30 AM
Dear Tania,

First of all I would like to aknowledge how brave you are to have written how you feel and what you are going through to so many people. It is an amazing thing to do.
I will defintley be praying for you to be healed from your suffering, and your family. You are such a positive and happy person that nothing can break you.
By praying and believing nothing bad can happen. And I will be praying and believing along with you as I'm sure some many people will be after reading this.

Keep up the cheerful attitude  :)

Emma *hugs*
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Ra-Ra-Rasputin on May 12, 2006, 11:37:36 AM
Tania, thank you for sharing this with us.  It is never weak to ask for help; only the strongest people are brave enough to admit that they can't cope on their own.

I am so sorry for the terrible suffering you have to endure on a daily basis.  I can't imagine.

Rest assured that my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

And don't apologise for coming across a little brusque to some of us. Sometimes we are all a little short with people when we are going through personal difficulties.  I'm sure everyone can understand that.  No need to ask for forgiveness at all.

Your ability to carry on, and with a smile and a kind word to everyone, is admirable and shows how strong and brave you are.  You are a humbling inspiration to all of us who are fortunate enough not to have to cope with such things.  I hope with all my heart that your condition improves and some way can be found to make you feel better, very, very soon.  Stay strong and remain positive. :)

With warmest wishes,


Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Prince_Lieven on May 12, 2006, 01:09:57 PM
Dear Tania,

I can only echo Rachel and Emma's lovely words - don't give up, and certainly don't feel bad about asking for help. You and your family will be in my prayers in the coming weeks, I hope everything turns out alright.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Laura Mabee on May 12, 2006, 02:11:47 PM
Dearest Tania,
First and formost don't apologise! There is no need to in the least. I agree with everything that Emma and Rachel said as well. You and yours are in my prayers. I do hope for the best for you. *many hugs*  :-*
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Kimberly on May 12, 2006, 03:18:21 PM
Dearest Tania, my heart and thoughts are with you and yours. Have you tried any alternative therapies such as Acupuncture or Hypnotherapy for your pain? Regards Kimxxx
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 12, 2006, 10:11:47 PM
[size=10]I am again overcome by the kindness in that you have paused a moment in your busy schedules to offer your thoughts, and your prayers. I take them with the most treasured thoughts of each of your hearts. Now I know why people say that faith and good people are the best that one could ask for, for nothing can match such sentiments.

As some of you know, for over 15 years I have battled both multiple sclerosis. For almost five years kidney issues. It was initially on the kidney issue, that my health was not watched correctly by my past physicians, and why I ended up on dialysis for a bit over 3 years. The chronic pain is from sensory peripherial neuropathy. [I also have acid reflux] In my case, I burn in my head, back, legs, feet, but most invasive is that in my heels. The burning is like my flesh is raw feeling wise. In the heels it feels as if razor cuts have been slashed on them, and in all places of the burning, it burns almost into the bone. I am not diabetic either. Three years ago, I left dialysis because I felt it would not end well for me. I carefully monitored my health issues, all I ingested, as well making sure my potasium intake was almost nill. My creatinine was 19 when i went into and onto dialysis. They said I could have died right then. But I guess I'm too tough for death to take me yet :) When my creatnine went down to 4.2, I left. They told me I would be dead in a day or two. I told them I would live! Today despite their everyday apprehensions, and protests, and lectures that I need dialysis, I tell them that as logn as my labs prove otherwise, and don't go past 7, I intend to fight staying off of it. [Most nephrologists think that anything past 6 automatically places you on dialysis immediately]. I fear greatly [after being on dialysis for those little over three years] that it will be a no win, one way ticket to staying on dialysis. I am o negative, a giver, but can only take my blood type, etc. There was nobody all during that time, and I am told that for most people, a person can stay on dialysis no more than 7 years. I believe what I do, because of what I have endured, and based on all the information given to me to date. I can take these issues kind of, but the fear still gets to me in regards to going on dialysis. I have also been told, I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I feel and see my hands starting to knarl. The pain is starting to be a bit more than bothersome there...

At one time I was on morophine patches, but when I went on dialysis, I stopped cold turkey. I can't even take asprin now. I go weekly for accupuncture, but it only takes a bite of out the pain. My sleep has been altered drastically as well. I usually go to sleep about 11:30p.m., or 12:30p.m., but in about an hour, for some reason, I am awake again, and awake till five or six in the morning. This has been going on over 14 years. The combination of everything pouring in on me is more than stressful, and terribly distressing. I try to keep quiet most of the time, and try not to disturb my family or others. But, sometimes, I reach out to people on the AP website, and confide, or express my issues somewhat. I don't know what else to do, as my health is very complicated, physicians have told me. Even the accupuncturist tells me it is, but they work with me to help me find some solution where possible. Unfortunately western medicine has nothing to offer but pushing pills, and instilling fear into patients.

I don't know how long I can go on, but I am determined to fight for my life, my way, and to reach out to those of you who will not be bothered by my mumblings at times... :D and I will not be done in by fear either by physicians who don't know what they are treating, but tell me I have to do it their way. If I had listened to them, I might have been dead already a couple times already, or still living in fear on dialysis. I'm an advocate for over 30 years, and I am savvy enough to know my body well enough.

But, I still reach out to find out 'if' there is any advancement in terms of treating chronic pain w/meds,
without being runious to my internal organs, or remainder of kidney use. That I pray for round the clock.

If you have questions, or want to offer me sage, I don't mind. What I also like, is to read beautiful poetry, look at beautiful scenery of paintings, or pictures of your trips, or exteriors, interiors of beautiful houses of faith. I also read voraciously all of the wonderful stories you offer on your lives, varying personas of history, and of course the Imperial Family. I also sing, and am looking for a pianist to accompany me, so I can go out and offer uplift for others who think there may be no hope.I want you to know, I'm comforted in just being here, and drinking in the spirit, the defining voices that speak of freedoms, and how well we merge together to figure out some issues that have stumped most of human kind. More than anything,you have reminded me with your words and sentiments, that indeed faith, and hope is worth holding on to. I look forward continuing on this board, if i may, for as long as possible.I will look here from time to time, to gain whatever any of you might wish to share or offer. Perhaps it will be of supportive measure for others going through like or similar issues of health.Thank you all again. I hug each of you in dear friendship, and offer each of you God's Blessings !
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: GD Alexandra on May 13, 2006, 12:30:57 AM
My dear Tania, just want to make you know you're already in my prayers, you are so strong!I'll keep you in my heart and wish all your hopes to be fulfilled  :D :D :D We are all here to support you.

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: aussiechick12 on May 13, 2006, 03:38:59 AM
You are such a fighter and a brave person! I wish I could have the same courage and moral strength you have!! Again you will be in my prayers and thoughts. I really want to say how much I care for you, it seems like such a painful thing to be going through.
You have asked for some beautiful poetry and to look at beautiful paintings ect and in my next post I will give you some - I just want to find the right ones before hand. I will be posting again soon and I want to hear everything your going through or anything you feel like getting off your chest. You are in my prayers.

*hugs* Emma
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Princess_Olishka on May 13, 2006, 05:02:08 AM
My heart is with you, my dear Tania, and you are forever in my thoughts and prayers! You are intensely brave and remember: all us AP members are here for you and love you! I am glad that you shared this with me. God grant everything will turn out alright! Continue to be brave!

*I hug you heaps and  :-**
from yr. fellow devoted AP member, Olga.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Laura Mabee on May 13, 2006, 10:51:02 AM
Dearest Tatiana,
I can only wish for the strength that you have displayed. You are a strong and very brave woman.
You are in not only my thoughts and prayers but my family is keeping you in their thoughts and prayers as well.
Many *hugs* go out to you.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: ferngully on May 17, 2006, 03:03:56 AM
having not visited the forum a lot over the past 5 months, i haven't been aware of this among other things. i really hope you will hold on for as long as you can, life is sweet :-* i wish for your pain to be eased, i will be thinking for you tonight
selina                                    xxxxxxxxxx
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Yseult on May 17, 2006, 03:26:29 AM
What could I say, Tania...? All my tenderness and my emotional support are flying from here to the place where you are now. I´m thinking of you and praying for you!

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: reashka on May 17, 2006, 08:54:32 AM
Dear Tania,

What a strong and faithful person you are! God loves you so much that He let you have a bittersweet blessing and gave you a faith as high as a mountain. Sometimes He has plans that no man can surpass for His thoughts are not ours, but I know He has greater plans for you and your family, it may be hard at first but He'll give us faith and wisdom to understand all of this. The Lord is more than enough. I promise to pray for you and all your loved one, do not be discourage by the sadness the world has showed you because you have a God and people who loves you so.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 17, 2006, 12:34:58 PM
[size=10]Dear Friends,

I am richer than I ever thought I could be! You are all enriching my daily life with your prayers, your words of uplift, your kindness to remember me at all.

I may not be able to take any medication for anything, but I have won out in the long term. All of YOU have become my daily medication. Each day, or in the evening, I come to this thead, and re read your posts. You don't know how much of what you offer, seeps into my very being. I am starting to believe they will have curative powers. If I only hold on to my prayers, my family, and your endless generosity of words, then I know I will overcome much. Thank you all again. You remain in my heart, my families, forever. God Bless you and yours !

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: imperial angel on May 17, 2006, 05:06:25 PM
I can only say, that Tania has made this forum a better place, and that her impact has been widely felt here in the most positive way possible. She has contributed to all our lives, and has shown me through reading her posts, her wisdom, and insight. She is one of the top posters here, without doubt. I wish for her to have only the best, and my thoughts are with her. She has given us here at the forum, time and time again, more than we could have asked. When we are suffering, we do not have to give to others. But if we are suffering, and have great spirit, and still give to others that is the best of all. We all deal with minor annoyances, but it's in the sitiuations of life and death that our actions are most important. All I am goes out to Tania, and most of all I am grateful to for all she has contributed to this site, and thus my life.  :)
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Jim_Wilhelm on May 17, 2006, 05:36:55 PM
Dear Tania:

I don't know if you remember me but one time earlier this year you reached out to me in a PM and offered your ear and your support to me in my struggle with chronic pain. I want you to know I'll be forever grateful to you for that wonderful, unselfish gesture. Tania please indulge me a little here. I'm not a doctor but I have worked in the medical profession for 32 years. As a result of my own chronic pain I've managed to learn a few things about medication and pharmacology is something I have an interest in and knowledge about. Again, please indulge me. I have heard and I believe that opioid analgesics (e.g., morphine sulfate, dolophine or methadone) don't really cause much damage to the internal organs. The danger is to those who keep increasing the dosage to the point where respiratory depression occurs. Also, as a lifestyle choice, we see all the deleterious effects to the lives of addicts and their families. Having said that, I believe that, properly and carefully managed by a compassionate physician, these drugs can be used either by themselves, or in combinations with other substances, to substantially relieve pain (even over a prolonged period) such that no one should ever have to go through what you are going through. Perhaps you could reconsider the drug therapy, dear Tania. Pain management has really come a long way. I'm sorry, My Dear, I don't know what else to suggest. I'm grasping at straws here. Please forgive me for any intrusion or invasion of privacy. I just want to help. Certainly I'll pray for you but please remember, My Dear, there's no virtue in needless suffering. Keep looking for relief. No one can fault you for that. God bless you. You're an inspiration to us all.

Your Friend,

Jim Wilhelm
Albuquerque, NM USA
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 17, 2006, 06:50:49 PM
Dear Jim and AP Friends,  I could easily write out each of your names, but then I would be using up all my characters, lol. So if I write to one, please don't take offense. I want you all to know, I'm writing to each of you, but am finding a shortcut that suits the best in communication. Also, if any of you have any issues that you are going through, please feel free to knock on my door to speak. I have been reaching back to human hearts for over 30 years, to offer emotional support, and care. Our communities need this in every way, and we owe it to people who through no fault of their own in today's world whom find themselves in the most difficult of circumstances. Anything you say to me remains confidential, you can be sure.
First of all, when you say, 'do you remember me', I want you to know, sometimes I get confused between your screen names and your given name. [that is those of you who have been kind enough to share your given name with me, and trust me]. I have to go back and look at past posts, but I finally get it right. But in my heart I remember you all. How could I forget any of you. You are all distinct and wonderful each in your own way. That's the beauty of knowing all of you. Sometimes we may disagree, but underneath it all, I think we understand each other, and I am thankfilled in knowing each of you.

In regards to the chronic pain issue and drugs: I have only 20% of my kidneys left, and cannot afford to take any drugs, not even aspirin. To do so would diminish them even more, and I'm on the border line of ending up on dialysis, and I will not go back on dialysis ever again. Jim I was on morophine patches, and all other kinds of drugs, but even my physician and nephrologist understands i cannot endanger my organs anymore. I'm well aware about those who increase dosage, etc. I have worked myself with those in all strata of pain issues, medical issues, etc. I have written globally to find any supportive assist, and to date, there is no response. So, I just stick with accupuncture, daily prayers, and my fine friends here. Who could ask for anything more ? :) Indeed !

Jim you are not grasping at straws, neither are you or anyone here in any way bugging me. I respect and accept all you have to share. I'm humbled indeed by so many working industriously in thought and prayer on my behalf. Science is also looking into how prayer heals. I think it does, do you ? When you have nothing else to hold on to, believe me, in that concentration alone, it does wonders, believe me. By the way, i'm not trying to convert anyone or preach to anyone, and I hope i don't come across as that kind of person, and sorry if i do. But, I hope by now, most of you can kind of know who i am. I'm just me. My inspiration come from above, and why I still live, and I can't prove it to you one way or the other. All i can do is tell you i still live for some reason, yet to be revealed. I hope my life can and will continue to be of service to others, limited now though it may be. If you want to ask questions, or need to understand anything more, don't be shy about asking. You already know how old i am, [chuckles], but I won't give you my bank account number....there is nothing there anyway  ;D

Thanks again for your posts, good thoughts, and prayers. Oh I know, i think we need to make a thread here and ask what plans everyone is making for summer. I love to hear about what people do for their summers. Good idea, or is it too soon. After 35 days of rain here, i'm looking to find any reason to read about good cheer, and places of beauty ! God Bless Everyone !

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Jim_Wilhelm on May 17, 2006, 10:03:25 PM
Dear Tania:

Alright then My Dear Tania. Only you can know what is best for you now. I do believe in that old axiom..."What goes around comes around". To the extent that you have extended yourself to help me and so many others during your life, to that same extent will something wonderful be waiting for you, perhaps sooner than you think!  I believe your strength, courage, and selfless generosity will be rewarded, perhaps even in this lifetime! Expect it! Welcome it as we all welcome every precious meesage from our dear Tania. Meanwhile, don't you suffer a moment unnecessarily. Please take care of yourself, in the way your good sense and judgment seems fit. Please stay with us, My Dear. Please don't leave us...until you're ready. We're here for you. We love you. Write back.

Your Friend,

Jim Wilhelm
Albuquerque, NM USA
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: RealAnastasia on May 19, 2006, 11:33:54 PM
Dear Tania:

                    I'm not visiting this Forum as often as some time ago, and I don't chekh out this section every day, either. Is precisely for that, that I didn't answer to you before today.

                     However, I know that you are aware of I'm praying for you. I'm amazed and admired by your brave heart. You are a great woman, believe me.

                      If you lived all this time without dyalisis and holding in prayer, I'm sure that is God Who is helping you.

                       Now, let me give you a personal advise: since you are praying and holding in your Faith, please, pray to Romanov Cross Bearers (I mean Saints Nicholas, Alix, Ella, Olga , Tatiana, Maria, Anastasia and Alexei). I'm sure they should help you, as they already helped other persons. Pray also for your relatives, and all will be allright.

                        All my love and my prayes and my support is with you, dear Tania.

                        RealAnastasia.  [smiley=thumbsup.gif]

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 19, 2006, 11:56:39 PM
Dear Real Anastasia,

If you look closely at my message icon, you will see that it has that of the Imperial Family members.
Yes, they are always in my prayers, and yes, I pray for them as well. My faith is strong, and I am not afraid my friend, nor of death. I have endured, and gone through many trials on this earth, far too much than most can understand, but, it has not been wasted in terms of my holding on to my faith.

Thank you for your time and care to respond here. It is a joy to see the kindness of so many working as one to offer hope to others.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but this i know, that I have had extreme joy in finding people who genuinely care about the human condition. If for some reason I should have complications, and have to go back on dialysis, I go knowing I have had energies as yours to provide me with firm and continued uplift. I'm fighting back the best way I know how. I like your thumbs up character. It is delightful.

Thank you again RealAnastasia, and thank you everyone, always !  
Stay well, and always fight the good fight for life, for love !


Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: aussiechick12 on May 23, 2006, 12:50:13 AM
Dear Tania,
How I pray for you everynight since I have heard about your terrible ordeal! It brings me great sadness to hear of you like this  :'(. Keep up your faith and hope - it's better than any medicine or drug. God will always help you through, he listens all the time, even when you think He's not listening.
I don't have any plans for summer as in Australia it isn't summer! But I will tell you my plans for winter :D!  I plan to keep reading about the Romanov's as I still have so much to learn. I just finished "A Fatal Passion" which is a biography on Victoria Feodorovna. It was most interesting. I also want to order "The Grand Duchessess" off but I don't have any money so I'll probably be doing som chores around the house for my parents so they can give me some more pocket money  ;D. I just recieved my copy of "The Romanov's - The Final Chapter" by Robert K. Massie which I have read the first chapter of, it was very interesting as I didn't really know any in depth information on the death of the IF. I also am dying to read the two books I recieved from amazon the other week: "Marie Antoinette: The Journey" by Antonia Fraser and "Victoria's Daughters" by Jerrold M. Packard. I'm also looking forward to spending hours at a time on this website as I won't have much else to do other than go out with my friends because I'm not going away for the winter  :(.
So in other words this winter will be spent trying to expand my knowledge (which I don't really mind as long as it's not math  ;))
I can't wait till my summer holidays which are in December. I'll be going back to New Zealand which is where my mum was brought up. My mum's mum and dad have a holiday house there and it is so beautiful. I thought I would share so pictures with you. We call it "The Lake" but it's actually Lake Alexandrina near Tekapo in the South Island. Have you ever been to New Zealand?
Photography is by me. I would have given you all my photo's I took but these ones took sooooo long to upload!

This one is a nice shot of the clouds rolling down the mountains surrounding the lake.
( (

This one is a far away shot of the little sort of villiage where all the houses are.
( (

Hopefully those were some of the things you wanted to see!
Now I have to go study because before I go on holidays you have exams!

My thought are with you, dear Tania.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 23, 2006, 12:28:51 PM
Hello Emma,
I love your name, Emma! Thank you for your prayers, I won't be shy but tell you I need every one of them.There are moments I think I'll never get through a moment, but surprise myself, and do. Some days when I post here on the thread, I'm not always a wiz, or really with it. I may mistakes, or try to answer a thread's subject. But whenever I post, it is not ever done in a mean way, or to harm or hurt anybody's feelings,or talk down to them. I'm afraid some though think I am mentally deficet, or really not historically inclined.I know one thing, we are not perfect, and nobody knows everything. Sometimes people fail to understand that it is a place to ask questions, and receive response in a clear, positive tone, without making the other person feel inadequate, or that would embarass them to others.
I'm hoping that people will try and understand that we all have feelings.Many are school age children who drop by to add to their history intake. I wonder quite often how they are viewing those postsers who have the lesser of patience, and take things personally.I hope it does not frighten them off, for that would serve nobody.I'm here inspite of my issues, to make the best of my time, and not focus on my variances of impairments. Focusing is hard enough without people being rude, impatient, or feeling their time is being cut short by people who in their estimation know lesser then they, or can't seem to verbalize or get things right...I'm thankful to all those who have patience with me, and can put themselves in my shoes.That makes me not feel alone, and allows me to feel ok in posting my thoughts, etc. without censure.

The closest I have been to Australia, or New Zealand is Tahiti and Bora-Bora. One summer we flew there and it was beautiful, actually quite unforgetable! You are a great lover of books. Good for you Emma. When i was young, i loved to read endlessly.It's great way to go through the summer as well.
I hope you enjoy the books you have chosen. They sound great. Well if your going to be on the internet this summer, so will i. Perhaps we can chat a while some days :) ! Lol, I was not the greatest in math either. Oh that's right, our summer time is different than yours. Hope yours will be a smash. How great, you will be going to a holiday house. Looking at the lovely pictures you sent on to me, I can see it has good weather, open spaces, and a place you can all be together. A real family environment, how great.
Thanks for sharing the lovely pictures Em. The Lake looks quite peaceful. So I gather you will swim quite often as well? I have not been to New Zealand, no, but if my prayers are ever answered, I will run to visit the place. :) ! Say, your a great photographer as well. Don't worry about sending me any pictures, I know it is a job and a half. I'm just happy to receive a post from someone. I'm a a very simple lady when it comes to wants. For me, just making and having good friends is the best.
Yes the clouds on the mountins are quite nice. How far away is the village from where you live ?

Thank you again for your kindness of heart to share your time, your photographs, your thoughts about your life and days. I hope your exams will go well, and your free time will come soon.
Take care dear Emma, and God Bless you and your family !   :-*  Hugs, lots to you Emma.

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 23, 2006, 01:04:43 PM
[size=10]I want to extend again my thanks for all of you who are so kind to keep me in your prayers, and have also sent me pictures, poetry, uplift, to my regular e-mail site. You make my time and days complete !

You help beyond measure for me to get through the hours and days, and that to me is everything.Some nights, like last night, I could not sleep at all. But because of your posts, and extra pick-me-ups, I could think of them through the night and early morning hours, and it gave me something to hold on to. That is why I value those of you who have taken time to share a word, a picture, a poem. Those gifts cannot be thanked for enough, and they are long remembered, believe me.

I never really knew what it meant to value such as you provide me of late, but now i know, indeed. You never know how much life means to you, or what you miss,til it seems out of your grasp.Even memory, is blurred at times, and you wish it was sharp as before. Words become much more meaningful, and relationships that much more dear. When you can't keep up with your friends, most will leave you behind, because they have lost patience and hope that you will ever be to them,as 'normal'. But what they have failed to understand, is that while your body has changed, your mind is still ok.The human condition is something we are really not sensitized to,or at times ready for,no matter what our age. Just being on this forum and how people interface, or don't, allows one to feel for the other that has been subject to attacks, over simple dialogue. It is also most rewarding to see those who offer the genuiness of their love of history in such a way, that you could almost beg them to continue on their address of that particular person, or historical narrative.These are the kind of persons who make you feel involved, and makes you want to learn more.Because of them, not only do they stand out, but it makes a website on history sparkle.That is how people are drawn and make you feel you are walking with history.That's
what invited me into this site initially, and for those who continue to offer their best, and with solid decorum, it is why you and i feel so engaged. Without these ingredients, we would not have continuity, and those who want to have real communication, regardless of what they face on a daily basis.

While I have my energy, I need to go through the rest of my messages, and then get some rest if at all possible. Then I shall come by and read again some more of your valued information on this site, and be ever thankful that it is here, and that I have friends as all of you.

God Bless !


Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Ra-Ra-Rasputin on May 23, 2006, 01:24:05 PM
Tania, I know I get a little impatient sometimes with other posters.  I am sorry if I've ever been short with you.  I am a very impatient person, and I hope one day to develop the virtue of patience! Until then I have to try and stop myself when I go to make a nasty comment...but sometimes they slip through.

I have been including you in my often too brief prayers every night, and I know that God is taking care of you, even though it might not seem like it right now.  God never gives us more than we can bear, and it is testament to your strength of will that you keep bearing and bearing your pain without a word of complaint.  It shows how much faith God has in YOU. I cannot imagine living my life in pain every day and it breaks my heart to think of people such as yourself who have to suffer when they don't deserve it.  But, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and we don't have all the answers.  We just have to be strong and do what we can to live our lives to the full despite the crosses we have to bear, and you are a living example of that.  

I will tell you about my plans for the summer, as you clearly enjoy hearing about them! Unfortunately I don't have a cache of impressive artistic pictures like Emma to show, but I can describe the places I am going to!

Tomorrow I sit my last exam at university, and officially become a finalist.  Only one year to go before I get my BA degree!

Then, in two weeks time, I leave for New York.  I am going travelling up the East coast of America with my best friend.

We are spending seven days in New York, and will visit all the usual sights; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State building, etc, do some shopping (VERY weak dollar versus the pound, so we are RICH as soon as we land on American soil!  ;D), go to a show on Broadway and possibly see the Cirque du Soleil, as well as visit Brooklyn, do the museums and laze around in Central Park.

We are then getting a Greyhound bus to Boston, Massachusetts, where we will visit all the sights to do with the Puritans, etc, go shopping, go whale watching and also go and see the witch hunting museum in Salem.

After four days in Boston we are getting a ferry from Boston to Provincetown, Cape Cod.  There we are going to have a little beach holiday, soaking up the sun and atmosphere in such a beautiful part of the world.  We will also be interested to see just how like England 'New England' is!  ;D

After four days in Provincetown, we are getting the ferry back to Boston, from where we will be getting another Greyhound up to Toronto, where we are staying with relatives of my friend.  We have lots of activities lined up, including going to a Toronto Jays v. New York Mets baseball game, going to Amish country, taking a cruise up the river to see the Indian settlements, going to Niagara falls, taking in thr sites of Toronto like the CN tower, and more shopping!

After nine days in Canada, we will then be getting the bus back to New York for the final five days of our holiday. We are going to celebrate July 4th in New York City and visit any places we missed on the first time round.  Then, we are flying home to London on July 6th, after spending five hopefully wonderful (and sunny!) weeks in America.

I am so excited at the moment it is unbelievable!  ;D

When I get home from holiday, I shall be volunteering with the children's educational charity that my sister works for, then having a university friend who has been away in America all year come to stay with me for a week.  I will then start my summer job as a children's librarian, which I absolutely LOVE.

Also this summer my sister and her husband will be moving home, and as she is almost four months' pregnant at the moment, she will need some help around the house because by July she will be quite large!

In September I am doing work experience in a school (I am applying to enter teacher training once I finish my degree, so I need experience) before moving back to university and starting my final year.

So, I have a pretty jam packed summer lined up! Not to mention that I have to do all the reading and preparation for my dissertation on literature of the American anti slavery movement while I am doing everything else, so I probably won't have much time to post on here, unfortunately!

I hope that has cheered you up a little Tania! Rest assured my thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you.  I hope your condition improves soon, and that something can be found to help you and alleviate your pain.  You are such a brave woman and I wish that one day I can grow to deal with life's blows as well as you do.   :)


Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 23, 2006, 04:36:29 PM
[size=10]Dear Rachel,
My last post to Em was not about you, please believe me! lol, i'm too tall for you to be short with me.We all have our times being impatient, we are human. But your right, it's more than important to feel our selves, what we are about to offer another, before we actualize it. Once it is done or stated, it stands forever.Children learn this as they grow, or don't. Again, though what they learn is very much up to us.So it is wise to think before we continue.
Thank you for your prayers. God is taking care of me, of us all.I have figured out in all of this Rachel, God has given me a job, and that is to sensitize people so they understand fully the gift of life, and each other.I worried all these years as I had no specific job like everyone else with name,title,fortune,best job ever,etc.Yes, here I was very impatient.Little did I know that through the years with all of the issues he presented to me to bear, he was preparing me to speak and offer insight of the whealth of what life offers, as well the joy of knowing Him.I am humbled in perspective, that this has become the best job ever.In many ways it strengthens me,allows me to discern what is really of importance,and what is not.

Thank you for sharing your plans about your summer Rachel.How very exciting!I'm very happy for you. Whatever you or others share,it is of importance to me.The fact that you share is best of all and meaningfilled for me.Your a good writer Rachel, so describe, please do. I'm sure everyone else would love to know as well, so please continue dear Rachel. Oh boy your last exam, go for it,I'm sure you will do very well.You will make a fine finalist! Glad to hear your shooting for your BA degree,in this day and age,it is needed. You will do fine. New York,Rachel, New Yorkers are a delight,simply wonderful.I only went as far as New York,and sorry I did not go to see the whole the East Coast.I'm glad you are sharing your trip with a best friend.Good!
Wow, you surely have it all mapped out very well,all the way into Canda.Great.The whale watching ought to be fun,but shopping even more :) Wow a broadway show, and the Cirque du Soleil.Think when they were here in our city,our Mayors office crew of disability went there to make sure it was disabled friendly.i helped to sign off on it.It was.Central Park is large Rachel, and beautiful, but don't go out late at night there, go only during the day.Oh how i wanted to visit Boston,and the New England states.How fun.The 4th of July I know will be exciting and something to always remember.Take pictures for sure there and then.
Glad to know you love children,and will work with them Rachel in a library.That's a great environment to immerse oneself in, and watch their minds expand.Good luck on the little one to be.I pray it will be born healthy,and surrounded with lots of love.Your a good sister Rachel to help them out.Let us know when a little neice or nephew is born. I know you will study hard and your dissertation will be great.

Thank you again for all your cheer,it is been very exciting to read all you will be doing,and of course preparing for your future.Nothing is more imporatnt than that.It's great to read about how you are tackling and meeting the challenges of life.

Rachel, I pray your life will go well, and again, that you, and all on this forum will never have to go through the pain I have. Pain is another process of life,and though it is difficult, it teaches you many things.Most of all, never ever take advantage of life when your life is going so well.We all go through variances of pain, that is a fact. Some more than others. But this is a bit more than I had imagined.
That's why I impart to you and everyone. Please remember all that you have, and of how you interact in life,and those you hold most dear,or have as friends.Treat it all with respect and be happy you can come and go whenever you want. Make sure education when you are young IS a priority.If your going to complain about anything or anyone, make sure it is not done out of spite.Make sure you temper your anger,because once unleashed,it can damage beyond repair.Most of all,remember to always look for the good in people.Offer good wherever,however,and whenever possible.There is no substitute for goodness.Most of all, be thankful for life !

Thank you again most sincerely Rachel.I hug and wish you life's very best. Keep up the good fight,and be happy !


Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Holly on May 25, 2006, 07:00:11 PM
Dear Tania,

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I can't imagine how difficult it is to bear for you! But know that I will always be praying for you! The Lord will reward you for your suffering, and I hope you can take comfort in that alone. If there is anything at all that I can do for you please let me know with a PM or email.
                                               God Bless You!  :-*
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: grandduchessella on May 25, 2006, 07:36:04 PM
Dear Tania! I'm sorry I had not seen this before.  :'(

I will absolutely pray for you and all your loved ones. You were such a source of support to me that I hope I can only be a fraction of the same to you.

As was previously said, it is a mark of strength to ask for help and to be willing to talk about such a painful and personal matter. I think the majority of posters on the Forum will understand the need to sometimes reach out and share--especially in such a close-knit (if occasionally fractious) group and join in sending you good wishes and prayers.

I imagine there will be so many prayers coming your way even if they aren't necessarily expressed.

You are a tremendously strong person to have faced, and continue to fight, the disease and family difficulties, that have come your way. A lesser person might have collapsed. It really puts what I complained about my husband's deployment in perspective. THIS is real strength and real adversity and you are facing in gracefully and you have my utmost admiration and respect. The fact that you remain so strong in your faith is a marvel as well.

God Bless!  :-*
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 25, 2006, 09:20:26 PM
Hello Holly,

Thank you for your kindness of your post. It is difficult, i can't say it is not, but with wonderful friends as you and many others, I am sustained. I more than take comfort in all your prayers. That's a lot of care.
I thank you again, and wish for you and yours much happiness. God bless Holly ! Take care.


Dear Tania,

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I can't imagine how difficult it is to bear for you! But know that I will always be praying for you! The Lord will reward you for your suffering, and I hope you can take comfort in that alone. If there is anything at all that I can do for you please let me know with a PM or email.
                                               God Bless You!  :-*
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Mazukov on May 26, 2006, 10:39:21 PM
Tania.keep the faith, because after all it is all we really have. as a cancer survivor I, can relate in some ways as to what you are going thore. It took me a long time to understand how to deal with my body mentally speaking during that time. The short and long of it comes down to the people you have around you, and the people you have in your life. Such as the posters within this forum. it’s both a comfort and a source of strength. I whish you well.

Rachel, I hope you enjoy my town "Boston" when you visit.many nice sights and restuants.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 27, 2006, 11:14:04 PM
[size=10]Dear Mazukov,

Sorry, I've been quite busy today. Went to a dear friend's graduation. She has my complete respect.
She has had to meet so many challenges in her life, besides being totally deaf, has just received her college certificate, and is now looking to major in broadcasting. I just had to attend the cermonies and cheer her on. I also went to visit my relative with cancer. It is a difficult journey indeed for those having to brave the disease, as well taking ongoing surgery, or kemo. My prayers continue for her, for all who are facing daily challenges of this understanding. I came home, and just turned on the news, and am a bit rattled at both the news of the earthquake in Indonesia, and I understand in New Guena, New Britan, and of the Oregon coast. Oh boy, any closer to our state, and I might as well get out my Mae West, and have a paddle nearby.

I pray for all the souls who have died in this earthquake, and pray for those who have survived, as well that nothing of catastrophic proportion happens again. It seems that one thing happens after another, either on a large scale basis, or personally. But, as you say for us 'mentally' we must understand ourselves. Yes, we must understand the strengths we have deep inside us.  Most agreeably, you are correct, it is the people one surrounds oneself in life. This helps to keep, support, and continue to allow one to focus on what is positive. Indeed the people on this forum, and of course on this very thread, have been a wonderful comfort and a wonderful source of daily strength to me, for my life.

I did not know you have cancer, but please know you are in my prayers for your recovery. I have enjoyed your posting, and look forward to all you share. I know that the many here, are here to rally to and for  you, and you are not far from our thoughts Mazukov ! God Bless you and yours.

I also hope Rachel will enjoy her vacation here in the U.S. It's a great country to see and be touring, and I hope she will enjoy her trip immensely.

With best wishes Mazukov,

Tatiana+ [/size]
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: historywriter on May 28, 2006, 02:26:00 AM
Dear Tatiana,

It was lovely of you to welcome me to the Forum and write.  I was very sorry that I couldn't help you, but I often think of you and pray for you.  Next time I go to church I will also light a candle for you,

Warm regards,

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 28, 2006, 12:44:58 PM
[size=10]Dear Lisa,

It is well that a wonderful forum as this, affords everyone a step outside their doorstep to enter into a global communication, that includes as this thread, the purposeful connect of sharing our thoughts, our reflections of things past, present, perhaps future. What more that we may speak to one another here, without pretense, or hidden adjenda to that of what is of prime importance in all our lives. 'Life' !

For me to think I have made a journey of such wide expanse, stills me beyond measure. That lives near and far, may join together still in our our own environments, yet connected with care, and concern for another, sight unseen, is truly meritous. To go one step forward that people I don't know, would take time, energy, and purpose to say a prayer for another, is more than uplifting.

When many of you mention that you will light a candle for me, I don't think necessarily that it is for me, but if you will, a representation for all who are in need of staying 'in the light', surely a guiding light.

It was my pleasure, and will remain my pleasure not only to welcome others here to this board, [as countless posters do already] but to the full understanding that we are here for meaningful connects, if not to validate the past lives of the IF. They were not perfect, and lived as well as they could in that of words and deeds. It is only fitting as we continue to be on these boards, to find positvie inroads to keep our communications, open, fair, vibrant, informative, and with respect.

You say you are sorry you could not help me, but I beg to differ. :) You took time to say hello, write back, and offer me time of your faith, and prayer. That is already something well into action. I thank you and welcome you as all the many other posters here, to my heart, my prayers. God Bless you Lisa.
Stay well, and continue to carry the light to others, of hope, and assurance !

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: palimpsest on May 30, 2006, 09:00:58 AM

I had no idea of your problems.
Sorry to be so late in giving support!
I hope all the best for you!

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 30, 2006, 11:10:24 PM
[size=10]Dear Palimpsest,

Thank you for your offering of support. I wanted to respond to your post this morning, but I had to go to my acpuncturist. I thought I would receive good news, but received the opposite. I thought at least with acpuncture, I would have better response in terms of halting the continuious pain. I was told that though Chinese acpuncture is good for many health issues, unfortunately, it cannot stop the destruct of the mylen sheath, nor can it stop the intense burning in my body. The weather has become quite warm of late, and when these days come, my back, legs, feet, and heels virtually feel as if they are on fire, and burn to the very bone. There are some days, and nights I wish I had taken a quick course on the nerves, so I might deftly cut them so I wont' feel the pain anymore. That of course would not solve other issues, but I honestly don't know how to handle this anymore. At times I think I will lose it and go banannas, w/o the whipped cream :) I have kept thinking that I will overcome this, and it will go in time. lol, the actuality is I will go in time. Between this and almost no sleep, my punitis is really suffering, and I apologize. My spelling of course is not doing so well either. Sorry, but venting right now is the only way I can feel I am in control and able to do anything. Oh boy what i could do to a lb of dark belgian chocolate right now. As you can see, i'm frustrated, and wanting to feed my anger on all of this.

I just watched a program here on pbs on Archimedes and that seemed to hold my attention for the while, but now it is done, and i'm back to venting. Sorry it has to be you, but, lol, what are friends for.

Ok, I'm going to read the rest of the threads, and then look at my mail, then go back and look at the ceiling and count the cracks. Now if it were winter, I might not worry about being so 'warm', but this is the start of summer, and i guess i have a lot to look forward to....but what say, tomorrow is another day, thank goodness

Thanks again, hugs, and God Bless you and yours !



I had no idea of your problems.
Sorry to be so late in giving support!
I hope all the best for you!

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Mazukov on May 31, 2006, 01:01:48 PM
Yea you can get ticked off at yourself, but that doesn’t do much of anything in the big scheme of things other than stressing you out to the point of absolute frustration, what that does a lot is sort of counter act what the meds are trying to do. and then you stop and think just how do I keep my brain fresh while my body is going off the deep end, well of course the thought then becomes can I will my brain to cure my body but the brain isn’t powerful enough to heal the body in such a manner, nor was it designed to do so. What’s the solution you’re asking?, well it’s a combination of many things, draw strength from people around you  keep you head as fresh as you can. And at times to try things outside of the box. but mostly you have to keep the faith.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on May 31, 2006, 04:49:36 PM
[size=10]Only one minor thing Mazukov,

I can't take any medications or i will lose my kidneys for good !
That's the hard part, 'trying' to get through all this daily, without any backup of medications whatsoever.
I honestly think a person can go crazy with pain, without having anything to kill the chronicity of pain.
Keeping one's brain fresh day after day, round the clock is one thing, but when your whole body is wracked with pain, the deep end seems almost better. People with ms cannot, and will not be healed.
There is no cure ! That's the question i am asking, when will it be cured ?

I'm not arguing about drawing strength from my loved ones, or people here, but even i as a counselor know, that that is a tall order. Not everyone can be there all the time. I also believe it or not, think outside the box, and you need to know for over almost fifteen years, i have been keeping my life alive by only prayer.

You sound perhaps like you have or having bouts with pain, perhaps chronic pain ? So you are speaking from personal understanding in giving me advice ? At this point, I'm ready to find answers like countless millions suffering from not only multiple sclerosis, but many other issues of chronic pain.

I don't know if you know anything about multiple sclerosis, the mylin sheath, sensory peripherial nuropathy, but from what I have read and understood, regeneration of the mylin sheath does not come back. [Sort of like the kidneys, they don't grow back either, and that is one thing I have to look at and watch out for all the time also.] Once any of these are gone, they are gone. Same things with the nerves. When they fire up, they eventually fire themselves out, and they don't regenerate, end of nerves. In the meanwhile, the pain is excruciating, not to say debilitating. [I'm not upset with you, I suppose just at the whole issue of being caught in the middle of all of this, with no answers, with no ending but cyclic pain]. I grow crazy, trying to focus on anything, or just trying to make it through the next few minutes. It's an endless battle; watch what I eat, don't take anything that will injure my kidneys, no meds; try to find sleep, exercise my fingers so they don't freeze up and knarl, keep my mind busy, work to forget i don't have a body or feelings, and everything will be fine, but move as much as I can, so I will have the ability of movement i have left.

I think about this boards thread, and the thread about her IM and the sciatica and nerve and back problems she had during that time. Back then, it was even less understood, and it must have been very upsetting, and painfilled. All those difficult public interfaces, all of her motherly duties still had to be accomplished, and still she had to face her issues quietly. So, when I think of or have to face my time, I think about her, and try not to be so upset, or dwell on the pain. But in the end, I don't remain strong, and I break down, and I become upset with myself, and the whole thing just is too much for me to comprehend.

It sounds logical as you have explained it Mazukov, but when you have to face it everyday, round the clock, the mental and physical effect wins out, and everything else flies out the window !

But, I guess till science can offer anything of promise and permenancy for my needs, I will have to make up my everyday life from moment to moment. I have written around the globe to physicians, to scientists in the field; i have asked others with like issues what to do, but nobody has any real answers.

All i can do is go along for the ride....

Thanks Mazukov, for trying to help me out in this, and God Bless...but lastly, I will keep the faith !

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Mazukov on May 31, 2006, 07:59:30 PM
Tatiana, chronic pain yes every day. After the 14th back surgery I told them enough. the scars on my back are like a road map to nowhere.  I don’t know a lot about MS.  I do know about spinal cancer. My first bought with it started when I was 25 I’m 52 now. I’m with you in the fact that I can’t take much of any med any more so it’s always a concurring battle between physical and mental stability. Sadly I don’t have the answers for if I did I would surly pass them along to you. So again it’s just a matter of keeping the faith but that always has it’s ( I don’t know points as well) yea we can go to the moon and back and yet we can’t cure an illness for some reason that thought almost always ticks me off.       ~ hugs Tatiana.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: grandduchessella on May 31, 2006, 09:57:26 PM
I am always amazed by your strength Tania.

I am awed by what you go through day after day with, as you said, no cure in sight. Your physical and emotional fortitude is remarkable. I feel that I'm gaining something just by reading your posts--it's hard to put into words, but sort of the feeling you get when you read about somebodies amazing journey through hardship or pain and think 'wow, that person is really remarkable' and try to take something away from them and help yourself become a better person. Inspired, I guess, would be the phrase.

I'm probably not making much sense--I get very emotional when I read these posts--but I do want you to know of my admiration and respect.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I looked up the following patron saints:

Benedict, Margaret of Antioch for kidney disease and St Madron for chronic pain. St Madron actually has a shrine in Cornwall if anyone lives in that area.

I will include these saints when I pray for you.
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on June 01, 2006, 12:59:36 AM
[size=10]Dear Friend Mazukov,

Hugs back to you! Forgive me, I think I'm walking around somewhat in a fog. This lack of sleep is starting to weigh on me, and I am not functioning very well. Lol, I'm part awake, and partly in a dream like state. I want to sleep, but can't, if that makes sense. Funny I have lots to do, but am unable to aptly get involved as yet. At times everything slows down and becomes slow motion. Gads, life treats you to the most unexpected moments of insight. You think you understand, and then when you go through days as such, you suddenly realize you don't know anything. How it humbles you when you think back about how much in control you think your life used to be, and how it is now under the seige of daily pain.

I had surgery on my back once, and once was enough. I think it is partially why some of my nerve pain exists today. I'll never forget the name of the surgeon, [ugh] 'ceiling', and oh boy did i ever hit it when i realized he had done the deed he had. I can't imagine you going through 14 back surgeries. How horrid.
What strength you have had to fortify yourself with. I'm sorry you had to go through such surgeries. I know what you mean about your baclk looking like a roadmap. Your so young also. But, your fiesty, and your a fighter, and I'm proud to know you sir! Yes, the battle does rage between physical and mental stability. It's ok that you don't have answers my friend, and of course I don't have them either. But I think that this thread is infinitely of importance to have and to keep, because there are countless lives facing daily the battles we face if not more. Your right again, we can go to the moon and back, but no cure for many illnesses. Still in all of this, we must not ever give up the good fight for life. It is as necessary as our hands across the sea, in the partnership to stand together for life. I'm better for being here and meeting wonderful people as you and the many others who have found the time and the energy to state their thoughts, feelings, and offer a prayer.

I place you and all in my daily thoughts and prayers, and wish only for you and yours all that goodness and God's grace can provide you.

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on June 01, 2006, 01:20:06 AM
[size=10]Hello GrandDuchessElla !

Every time I see your little girl's photo, it makes me feel good. She has such a sweet wonderful face.
I'm glad you have shared it with us. Give her a special hug from me, please.

My strength, thank goodness from my father above. Without God, i would have nothing!Because of the kindness He has offered me of His many gifts, i can and continue to face what I can. It is not always easy, but I know others face even more difficult issues than i. I have been kind not to really place the innumerable and vast other issues of difficulties I have faced throughout my life, because that would be too much. It is sufficith to understand in all of it that life makes you either strong, or you suffer endlessly without being able to continue your journey of life. There are no gurantees of life, and that it won't be difficult. It's a long journey and a long lesson, that gets us readied for the promised land, and oh boy, am I being taught. :)  If you think your inspired, by all of this, you should have heard the stories of those I encountered in my life's journey. It pales my'n enormously! But thank you for understanding the issues i have tried to share to date. I think I have and continue to share because I want people to know, no matter what our adversities in life, we still have to go forward.

Take for instance your husband. He did not want to be placed in harm's way, or to go to war, etc. But many times, in life, we are placed in certain situations so we can understand exactly what the gift of life is all about. WE don't want to do a lot of things, or be involved in many issues, still somehow we are, and we usually come out for the better. Well, that's just like life. The whole journey of life is a teaching ground, of all kinds of lessons. We can remain involved, and keep our spirits up, or become embittered, sullen, resentful, mean, and crabby. That's no way to live, and being that way is just plain rude !   :D

I look back at all you shared about your family, your precious munchkins, and your daily issues. It was wonderful, and quite uplifting. I know it must have helped many lives, and probably many whose husbands or wives, or fathers, mothers, who were similarily called away to serve in and for the service of their country. Both of you served as wonderful role models ! So, don't short change what you offered and gave to many as well. I'm a better person for having read what you and so many others share on a daily continuum !

You know as you talk about saints, I think about my favorite angels as well. I have two main angels. One is Gabriel, the other is Peter. I thank you for taking the time from your family to look up the patron saint of Margaret of Antioch, and St Matron.. Your very sweet, and I find it most moving that you would think of me enough to pray to them on my behalf.

Before I forget, how are your other munchkins, your handsome hubby, and last but most of all, you?
Have you planned any vacation as of yet ? Please do Catch us up on your thread about how all of you are doing. I'm sure there are many awaiting to hear just as I am. Thank you again, God Bless all of You ! Hugs !


Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: aussiechick12 on June 01, 2006, 03:37:53 AM
Dearest Tania,

I haven't spoken to you in a while, but it feels like I have because a) I have been praying for you and b) because I have been reading you lovely posts to everyone else. Sometimes I cry when I read your posts, actually most of the time. I am an emotional person, things get to me and I never let them go. And I'm glad they don't.

I told my mum about you and showed her the very nice post that you replied with and she cried too. She's was a nurse and now she's at TAFE (like college) learning to be a social worker. It's funny when we both do our homework together, but I like it. She is also praying for you daily. I also prayed for you in a school mass we had the other day.

Tomorrow my exams end (I did my maths test today!!), I only have History and Geography to go (History is a real breeze we're doing WW1 so that's ok) and then I've finsihed my exams till the end of the year! I might be going to a friends house to celebrate the end of the exams but dad said I have a cold so I might not be able to go.

I finished the book "A Fatal Passion" and I'm now reading "The Romanov's Final Chapter" but it's hard reading when you have to study. Oh well, I girls' got to read! I'm also saving up for the Romanov Fiction book "A Summer Day is Done" (I think it's called that!) which is only $0.01!! But since I live in Australia I have to buy $9.00 postage and handling, so I've got seven dollars and I think I'll do some chores tonight to get that extra $2 and one cent. I'm hoping that for my birthday I get "The Grand Duchesses" book and "The Fate of the Romanovs". But I have to wait four whole months  :(!!

I keep praying for you, keep up your faith in God and nothing bad can happen to you!
Emma  :-*

P.S Dear Mazukov,
I pray for you too, spinal cancer - it seems so horrid. But if you think about the good things in life and you pray to God and keep up the fighting spirit nothing bad can ever happen.
Emma  :-*
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Ra-Ra-Rasputin on June 01, 2006, 04:06:39 AM
Hi Tania,

I just wanted to let you know that I have been praying for you and am thinking of you.  :)

You certainly put all of my little worries into perspective and your bravery is so inspirational. I admire you so much for all of what you have to go through, and yet you still go on without complaint and without giving up.  Keep it up!

I wonder, is kidney transplantation not an option for you? If you had a replacement kidney, then you could take pain medication? I don't know much about this and I'm sure you've thought of this as a possibility, I'm just wondering why that's something you haven't had done.  

My mother suffers from sciatica and I know how excruitating that pain is from watching her suffer with it.  She finds hot and cold therapy really helpful; basically using ice then heat on the affected nerves, which relieves the pain.  Perhaps that might help you too?

I am making preparations for my holiday today and doing some research of places to visit.  I am very excited, and hearing of your suffering makes me realise how lucky I am to be able to do such things.  You are an inspiration to us all, and a reminder that no matter what hand life deals us, it is possible to carry on with a smile on our faces and hope in our hearts.

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on June 01, 2006, 11:38:44 AM
Hello Emma !

Glad to hear from you! Hello Mum, Dad! Nice to meet you both also. You have a grand daughter, and I know you are quite proud of her, as she is of both of you. Now don't make an issue of tissue, either of you, or anyone for that matter. Life is full of many travels, and lessons. In this journey we are all travelling together, so we start to understand the full value of life, and of the better choices we can make. The other day, I came across a wonderful saying. Emma, it stated this : 'The will does not choose between good and evil; it is choice, rather that makes it good or evil'. This was stated by Karl Jaspers. So, indeed, we all have the right to make choices, but let's make sure we choose what is best.

Like your education Emma, take it and learn well! Just think for everything you don't want to learn, there are over 10,000 people at least, waiting for the chance to learn what you may not think is of merit.
But judging from your perky letters, and your go get'em attitude, I know you will do very well in life!
It's nice to know your mother is out and about, and taking on education again, after already achieving so much in life. Being a nurse is a very noble profession. [I had a friend as a young girl, whose sister was a nurse, who took her first position in England, and then who later applied to Dr. Albert Schweitzer, in Lamborne; she was accepted, but unfortunately due cancer, died early on, not to see her full dream come true] I guess the importance of this is that no matter what, she had a chance to make a choice, and at least knew that she was accepted, and I'm sure this understanding made her feel very good in her accomplishments. What I am saying Emma, is that every moment we live is important, so live it, fill it with goodness, and be proud of yourself. What we do in life is our complete signature, and good or bad, we need to understand what we do, is what we offer the world around us. Look at your mum, she is really being involved, and wanting to make this world a better place. Bravo mum, from how Emma has turned out, I know that you will help many others achieve their best ! You have a cheering team here! By the way, thank you mum for your prayers, and please know, your family is in my prayers as well. I bet you will have the best of time studying together. You should take a picture of that. That's a very nice picture to have, especially for Emm later in her photography book, to look back upon.

Wow, exams already? Oh that's right, Ra-Ra reminded me a while back of her exams. Well, I think if you study hard, you will achieve your goals. I hope you do well on your math test. Oh boy, I loved History and Geography. Now mind you take good care of yourself, and those sniffles. You might have to stay in, but your dad is just trying to keep you well, so you will be able to celebrate the end of your exams without feeling yucky.

Wow, Emm you really are a reader. Good for you. Well study first, then read, not the other way around.
Looks like your a helper around your house as well. I guess your parent's are very appreciative of you.
How old will you be Emma on your birthday ?  Four months is not so long away Emma.

Emma, when a person believes in God as much as I do, I can't think or wish for anything bad to happen to me, or anyone. This whole world needs prayer, and I am not the only one Emma. So keep praying that a better and wiser world, full of goodness will evolve. You and your family, and the lovely people on this forum are definately good human hearts. As long as we keep talking to each other, and offering our best here and in life, the world around us can and will be affected in positive ways.

Don't change ever Emma. Stay the way you are now. I'm glad I know you, and I pray God will offer you many blessings, and happiness with you and your family.

I'm glad you have included Mazukov in your hello's ! He and many more are indeed in our prayers. He has a wonderful outlook, and a wonderful fighting spirit indeed. God Bless you Mazukov, always !


P.S Dear Mazukov,
I pray for you too, spinal cancer - it seems so horrid. But if you think about the good things in life and you pray to God and keep up the fighting spirit nothing bad can ever happen.
Emma  :-*[/quote]
Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Tania+ on June 01, 2006, 12:15:54 PM
Hi Ra-Ra,

I know you have been praying for me, I feel your prayers, and everyone's. I feel it deep inside. It has made a wonderful impact on me, and continues to allow me to know, that my reaching out here was the best step I could have taken. Thank you for your prayers !

When I was youn, [long ago...:)] I met many young men who had come back from the front line of battle. I saw them in all manner of what their wounds had offered. I saw how they still looked toward life,wishing to be involved totally again in and with life. I can never forget those faces, or their staunch determination to be a definite part of their communities and families again. One young man in particular caught my heart, and my very soul with his determination. He lived out on a farm in California. He was tall, freckle faced, with a shock of bright red hair. When I met him, he had come home with terrible, horrific wounds. He was minus an arm on one side and a hand on the other. A leg was missing, and he was blinded in one eye. One day, I heard his unmistakable voice, arguing with his physician behind a door in the hospital hall. I turned to one of his friends and asked concerned, 'why is he hollering at his physician' ? The other guy winked at me, leaned down and whispered in my ear: 'why he is mad that the physical needs he asked for, to enhance his person, [since so much was taken from him] is so darn late. He wants to know why they have been so late in delivery. He needs that artificial leg, that artificial arm and hand, and demands a pass to go home, today if need be' !
I looked at the man, incrudulous to believe already what i had been told. I repeated, 'he demanded a pass to go home'? I knew that did not sound like this young man I had come to know in the past six months. He was usually so calm, and collected. All of a sudden this red haired young man came bounding out, and stopped in front of me. I looked at him, and said, 'i don't understand why you are so worked up, and upset'. He looked at me, started to turn around and go away in his wheelchair, and then came back, and said, 'i will tell you why, it's because I have to get back to the farm and help my mother bring in the crops', if i don't, nobody else will be there to do it'. Then he wheeled around and went back into the physician's office, to badger the physician into giving him all he was demanding.

Ra-Ra, I have never forgot that young man. He had a goal, and saw himself as whole, and nothing but nothing was going to keep him from doing what he thought was right, and still was his future. Now that's inspirational, that's bravery, that's courage! That is never giving up ! In defference to the memory of this young man and many others I have met in life, I can't give up. That would not be me, for it was not them either. I repeat what I have learned from so many other heroes of and in time. I hope that all of you will continue to share these stories of life, and all that it affords us in the lessons of life.

Now in regards to the replacement of a kidney. I have 20% left so I am guarding that 20% at all cost. But I am 0 negative, meaning I can only have 0 blood type, and 0 kidney donation. There are very few with that available. Lol, they keep calling me[the blood bank] and forgetting i can't offer blood, though they need it because it is so rare. So right there, I know a kidney transplant, is not a given. I was on dialyis for over 3 years, and even the people who were waiting, who were not 0 negative had waited already 5 years, some 7 years, there were no kidney offers. So, i figure, the ratio of anything available is not that available. Besides you have to take lots of meds, almost like 20 a day, and cancer and other issues can arrive just from taking those meds. So, I just guard what I have, and use prayer every day. It's all I have left Ra-Ra, it's all i have left.

But thanks for the idea Ra-Ra. I'm so sorry your mum suffers from Sciatica, and it is a very pain filled experience to go through. She's in my prayers also Ra-Ra! I use heat and cold, but that's all i can do.

I hope your holiday will be splendid Ra-Ra. Bring back some lovely pictures, or a post card. If you or anyone should run across a place which has great dark chocolate, get the address, and i will connect with them. I love dark chocolate !  ;D  Or if you find a bakery that has out of this world cakes, and delivers globally, get their address, i'm game in writing to them.

Don't worry about me Ra-Ra, i'm going in spirit, with each of you on your vacations. I'm going to slip into that little coat pocket of yours and peek out at the variances of beautiful sites along the way. Remember when your smiling at something that is breath taking, I'm right there on your shoulder, taking it all in!

Hugs to you Ra-Ra. Oh, sorry, nice to meet you mum. Bet your happy your daugter is through with her exams. I know she will make you proud, if she has not already!

Keep up the good fight and yes by all means, carry on with smiles on your faces, and always, always, hope in your hearts !  Well said Ra-Ra, Well said !

Hugs ! God bless !

Title: Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
Post by: Jim_Wilhelm on July 02, 2006, 11:57:42 AM
Dear Friend Tania:

I don't often log on from home unless its for something really special. You're something really special so here I am. Thank you so much for the mention in the "Cheers" thread. I must say it feels very strange to see my name in one of these threads.

I want to do all I can to keep this thread going because you are so special and now I think of you often. Please share with us how you are feeling. It probably isn't good but I, for one, would like to know. Tell me if anything relieves the pain at all. Does anything help? Your friends are here praying for you. I hope that helps. I'm glad our esteemed colleague Mazukov has shared with us. Now he can be in our thoughts and prayers as well. Its so horrible to be in pain. I'm going to see if I can take a nap now. That helps me sometimes.

We hear a lot of fireworks going off all around us. It scares the dogs but it reminds me there's life out there. People are celebrating. I hope you celebrate as well. Just don't blow one of your fingers off with a cherry bomb! That would really hurt!

Please stay in touch. Until then, I remain...

Your Friend,

Jim Wilhelm
Albuquerque, NM USA