Imperial Family Claimants Post Here . . .

[_Rodger_]

I think that it's appropriate, given the number of persons who have decided that their grandmothers were Olga/Tatiana/Maria/Anastasia, we should have a thread just for them.

Here are some instructions for would-be Imperial Family Descendants.  Please follow these instructions carefully, errors will result in a significant deduction of points.

1)  Please obtain a valid DNA test from a certified lab, and submit the results to the Forum Master to be posted for scrutiny.  Warning: should there be a single difference between your HVRI or HVRII nucleotides, and any of the published profiles, including Grand Duchess Ella, your claim will be disqualified.  No exceptions.

2)  Please post LARGE unretouched photos.  Photoshop or other methods for 'enhancing' that resemblance between Grandma Fizzlestick and Olga/Tatiana/Maria/ and/or Anastasia, will result in immediate disqualification.  

3)  Bonus points are given for creative stories regarding grandma's escape from the old country.  Please send a typed, spell checked and complete description to Ms. Penny Wilson.  

4)  Do not claim that grandma was Anna Anderson or Eugenie Smith.

5)  Do not contact Dr. Knight, Dr. Gill, Dr. Zhivotosky, Dr. Parsons, Dr. Weedn, Robert K. Massie or anyone affiliated with the Hoover Institution, The US Armed Forces, the Central Intelligence Agency,  the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs, the British Home Office, or Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth Regina with your application/claim.  One or more of their representatives will contact you if they find your claim interesting.

6)  If your grandmother spoke Russian, please provide a notary certified writing example to verify this ability.

7)  If your grandmother didn't speak Russian, please refer to (4).

If you follow these easy instructions, it will make it considerably easier to process your claim, and allow us to get back to you as quickly as possible.

Good luck.

[Janet Whitcomb]

Rodger, it's getting way too difficult to figure out whether you or Valmont are the funniest . . . but you BOTH rock!

[Forum Admin]

Dear Rodger,
THANK YOU! I was planning to create this exact topic thread after discussing this issue with Bob just last night.
My only addition would be to Rule 2: including notarized provenance of the photographs and
Rule 5: include the Danish Royal Family.
FA

PS: our new moderators for THIS thread ("DA PLANE!! DA PLANE!!):

[Jane]

I have nothing to contribute to this thread beyond a great big belly laugh!  Great idea, Rodger!

Jane

[Louise]

If anyone would like to know how coffee spurting out the nose feels, ya can just ask me. I'd be glad to tell you.

I oftened wondered what the Forum Ad and his sidekick looked like. Thanks for the pic.

Louise

[Janet Whitcomb]

And a most attractive couple they are! (Uncle Valmont, is that you?!)  

[sushismom]

Alright, so how's this for reaching: My mother is 100% Japanese, born in Toyko in 1925. The Otsu incident occurred because of an alliance between Nicholas and a Japanese woman related to the man who attacked him. That woman would be my great great grandmother. But darn, you say you need DNA evidence?

[Jane]

And a most attractive couple they are! (Uncle Valmont, is that you?!)  

I believe our beloved (hmmmm) Uncle V. is gallivanting around on vacation this week.  Apparently he went somewhere with a tropical climate!  

Jane

[_Rodger_]

Sushimom,

Thank you for your interest in our thread.

We have to admit that your story is as good as any other we've seen here, so for that, the Claimant Committee do hereby award you 5 points for 'remote plausibility.'

Congratulations.  You are in first place.

And as far as DNA testing is concerned, I Rodger, would be happy to conduct such a test for you.  Kindly remove a clump of hair from the top of your head, (side is okay if you suffer from male pattern baldness), please include the roots, and mail it to the Forum Administrator for processing.  Send check for $495, plus $19.95 for processing, made out to 'Rodger.'  Send an extra $50 and we'll will be happy to include a certificate of your mitochondrial DNA profile, suitable for framing, that you can use to impress your friends and obtain a book deal.

[Douglas Huntzinger]

Dear _Rodger_ and Imperial friends:


I'll get right to my point.  I do not claim any historical right to be the next Tsar.

I only claim that I am highly qualified to be the Tsar.

First, I can change my religion  to orthodox, then I will move into the Alexander Palace.  All of  this after the place has been fixed up a bit.

Please try and find me a suitable consort.  Hopefully she will speak German only as I cannot speak it.  There is a lot of history in that request.

Everyone on this site will have a great new Imperial  career  in Russia and we can all live in Tsarskoeselo.

Also, I plan to launch a new Imperial yacht Standart, much larger than the last one.

If anyone has any ideas as to the new Imperial Court functions and galas, please let us know right away.

[anna]

Douglas,

You can make your claim to be the Tsar, but you MUST HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES to gaze in. A nice character, smoke a lot ( at least a packet a day.)

You have to be a good husband (After all she's the love of your life) and a good father!
Have a moustache and beard, your teeth?(well you don't have to open your mouth).  Have a need of going out for a long walk every day. And if you want I think Rodger can arrange some sort of gym in the bathroom and on the imperial train.

So don't hesitate and send that check! Don't forget the photo of your eyes. Otherwise NO points.

Anna

[Jane]

Well, I think I should be the next ruler.  My claim is at least as good, even if I am a mere woman.    

I have an extensive knowledge of one of Russia's best-known export products, vodka.  I am very familiar with a wide variety of Russian vodka, and would be able to roam the world as a goodwill ambassador for Russia's potent potable.  

I like to throw snowballs during the winter months, so I am clearly suited to the cold winters.

I have watched a number of home decorating shows, so I would be able to order the restoration of the Imperial palaces on a budget.  Plants and uplighting add a lot to a room, you know, and would help set off the Baroque splendor off the ceilings.

I don't want a German consort, because I already drive a German car.

I can tolerate incense reasonably well (if memories of my university years serve) so clearly I will be able to lead the flock in the Orthodox faith.

Spasibo, vote for me!

Jane

[Jmentanko]

You have my vote!

[_Rodger_]

Dear Mr. Hunzinger,

The Claimant Committee has carefully reviewed your application.

We are nearly unanimous in our condemnation of this obvious attempt to bribe the committee.

We are unanimous in our questioning your ability to deliver on those promises, for which we believe you ought to be ashamed.

No points.

Sincerely,

The Claimant Committee

[NAAOTMA]

Dear Royal Wannabee Lownesses:

I do not have any aspirations to be recognized as a Grand Duchess, but my dog is convinced he is a direct descendent of Ortino, and I must say the evidence is compelling...something about those doggie eyes...

First Fauxberge, then Faux Royals, now Faux Royal Dogs...where will it all end? This thread is a hoot! I cannot resist adding to it! NAAOTMA