The 8th Thread For Imperial Claimants

[Douglas]

I can't wait to be with all of the family again and sample the national dish of Hollandaise......the famous bitterballen and kroketten.  Are these anything like the finger food of Tonga?  Raw fish and seaweed.  Lots of vitamins.

 The king of Tonga feted GD Anna and myself when we were looking for Amelia Earharts' plane in the South Pacific a few years ago.  I was so mad when Anna told me later that she found a plane door that had Amelia written on the side in lipstick and she just threw it back into the briney sea.  Can you imagine what a find that was, Lucien?  I almost threw her overboard. Oh well.

Tsar Douglas.......eating bitterballens soon.  And then off to Tehran to straighten things out there with the tribes.

[anna]

Tsar Doug is always such a dear, accusing me of swindling museum curators, acting like a poor church mouse..always better than a poor church rat I suppose. And last but not least he's howling over Amelia's plane door I plunged back into the pacific, important evidence he said. Which lipstick is more important mines or hers?
I'm not to blame the way I behave, being imperial isn't easy you can say I'm a victim of my background

TD dearie, who taught me the act to embarrasse kings and queens huh? Did you forget when Sheik Abdullah ibn Salaam Aleikoem invited us to see the great Sphinx of Giza? You insisted to climb upon the sphinx and slide over its face into the sand.....you had fun and the sphinx no nose.

And of course your recent trip to China, they invited you to see the big Terracotta Army of Xi’an, they'd better not! Oops sorry domino-effect you said when pushing over one of the soldiers. Now you can hardly speak of an "Army". All in the name of chop suey.

Well, it's obvious our Tsar Doug represents his court and country in the best possible way. Everywhere he comes, he's leaving an everlasting and irriparable impression.
Isn't he adorable?


GD Anna...preparing bitterballen

[Douglas]

Isn't my dear cousin GD Anna just wonderful.  Everyone adores her where ever she sets her dainty little foot.

I have heard that she is somewhere in A'Dam having taken up residence in one of the most grand museums.  It's all about things so Ramanov and St. Petersbergish.  She set up her little brass bed next to a Rubens painting and there she is all night long.  When the public arrives each morning they are so astonished to find  her combing her hair and doing her  Toilette du jour.  

Yes, I understand the idea of performance art but this must be the new wave and GD Anna is right there with the best of them.  Psst don't tell anyone....to Anna this is not 'performance art'....this is for real.   Scary in a macabre Felliniesque  manner.

Tsar D......taking phone calls all day from the TV stations wanting more information about Count Lucien and Anna.  I tell them just to go along with it....last she tried to oust Putin and set up housekeeping in the Grand Kremlin Palace...oye ve..

PS: How did I know those old terracotta soldiers would just up and topple over like ten pins.

[Janet_W.]

Dear Fellow Claimants:

So sorry to have been AWOL. Have been working mightily to pay off the mortgage on the taco cart. Darn the economic turndown anyway!

The GD/GP Janet

[Lucien]

Really TD and your dearest GD´s,the silence here is deafening!!Nice for a short while petetre,but this is too much.
Crisis or not,one may never forget ones duties.

Instead of frolicking around at the Boulevard des Anglais on the Cote d´Azur and making spectacles,
btw,has anyone seen mine(?) of yourselves,I say I would request you all back to your duties,
whatever they might be this time of year in the middle of the silly season.

[anna]

Count Lucien dearie,

I'm know you met GD Anna some weeks ago and helped her for which she is still very grateful. Unfortunately the GD is not as you would expect in la douce France but still in Amsterdam in a very awkward situation.

Please read todays letter to Tsar Doug what happened to my dear mistress.

Zoya Hilariouskaya......personal secretay to the GD Anna

[anna]

Official plea to Tsar Doug,

Your majesty,

Goodmorning, I hope your greatness slept well, enjoyed a happy meal and is in an excellent mood.

His majesty undoubtedly noticed the terrible state the palace is in since the absence of GD Anna, no zoop on the menu, no songs and laughter, no bills to pay for dresses and bling. Also it must be very silent while GD Janet is making a world tour visiting her Taco-restaurants. The palace is empty not only because of the leave of these two fine, adorable imperial women, but also of the lack of the imperial throne, paintings,  gala uniforms, ball dresses, shoes, night gowns and more imperial stuff.

I write this letter in the name of GD Anna, whose locked up for nearly a month at the Hermitage in Amsterdam. She discoverd that her friend.. I won't reveal full names in case security intercepts this letter... just call this person QB.....wink wink! Well, GD Anna found out that QB put all his majesties and the GD's personal belongings on display in a museum in A'dam.

The GD guards every piece with her life, but finds it a very disgraceful job to do this in her undergarment, because all her dresses are on display and there's no way to get any access to them. Isn't shameful my dear mistress wandering day and night through a museum barefooted in nothing but her undergarment (luckily trimmed with lace)?

One day a certain Dutch Count Lucien found GD Anna in her....as I mentioned before... behind the imperial throne lurking at the tourists who glanced at the ball gowns. He was so kind to provide the GD with a
flowery tablecloth and even bought her a lovely bracelet so she wouldn't feel so undressed. The tablecloth wasn't a very good idea because tourists began to think she was the museum cleaner and called her Babushka.

Tsar Doug, the situation is becoming unbearable for GD Anna, she wants her bling and dresses back, she asks to inform GD Janet a pair of yellow satin shoes are identified as hers because of the size. She urges your majesty to come to A'dam immediately and see for yourself what's become of his imperial nightgown and slippers......a public curiosity. GD Anna suggest to talk with QB because a tsar's nightie out in the open is soo not done.

Your sincerely,most faithfully and loyal subject,

Zoya Hilariouskaya.....Underpaid personal secretary, lady in waiting, mistress of the wardrobe etc.etc. to GD Anna

[Douglas]

Dearest Zoya Hilariouskaya:

Thank you for your letter that arrived today by yak and sherpa guides as I am currently climbing up the steep slopes of Mount Everest.  I wish to establish one of my palaces at the summit of this great mountain so that I may be on top of everything. 

I was unable to contact the monarch of the Netherlands as she was trying on new hats with QE II and won't be done until later in the year.  Also she decided to have her hair removed and replaced with a wig made of steel wool painted the correct color. 

I did contact my aide de camp about this very serious development at the museum in A'dam.  My aide Charlie thought my army of extras for our next movie should attack the museum by throwing hard candy at the walls.  This can be very scary.  If anyones see a bus outside the museum painted like an ice cream truck....that's my army.  Take cover immediately.  The war to free  GD Anna is on.

If count Lucien is seen anywhere near my army, put a uniform on him and give him some chocolate.  He loves chocolate and it makes him very militant.

Oh, I just got word that there is no air to breathe on Mount Everest so I will have to build the new palace at a lower altitude.  Is that OK with everyone?  We might have to build it at sea level.

As for Anna, throw some skin diving suits to her so that she can be ready to go diving for the remains of Amelia Earharts plane that she forgot to rescue on our last cruise of the yacht. 

Also tell dearest Anna to just wear the clothes of the Imperial Family that are on display.  That way she'll fit in with the display and she can practice her acting by playing the part of the Empress or one of the parlour maids.  Put a box on the floor so that people will put a few coins in.
All the best,

T. Douglas....doing his best to face reality.





 

[Lucien]

Tapping my left foot.Waiting."We'll be in the powder room" they said;"It shand take a minute...".....that's for sure,it's been two weeks now...Get back here! 

[Robert_Hall]

We are in deep mourning for the loss of one our  most loyal and longest serving retainers. The Forbidden City in Exile is draped in imperial yellow & crimson in his beloved memory.
  He is not dead, he has been forced to vacate the country due to some untimely accusations about nefarious drug operations [ we had wondered how his bank account seemed to have  balooned, as did his stomach, it seemed]
 Alas, we are now in search of a new Passportoo, or Agnes Gooch.
 Greetings all
 HIH Emperor de facto of the Imperial Forbidden City [in exile] writing from the desk of the Rainbow Jade.
 

[Lucien]

Hmm,you either lost your lenses or you lost it all....White is the colour of mourning in Imperial China....the red is for weddings and bulls.

[Robert_Hall]

Not in MY Forbidden City in exile!  White is way too much trouble to keep clean, whereas Crimson and Yellow, when carefully draped are effective and reasonably attractive.
 Besides, we have miles of the stuff.

[anna]

Good heavens, what is that talk about Imperial China? The only thing what matters are Russian Imperial issues....the war to free GD Anna! If you plan to send Chinese warriors we can talk, otherwise just look and suffer with my lady. She's standing on display for more than two weeks now, wearing as much Imperial dresses as she can under the diving suit Tsar Doug sent her.

TD's army hidden in the ice cream truck before the museum is still there, though nothing happens besides selling ice cream. TD a hidden army to free GD Anna is a very good idea, but please tell your general the story of the Horse of Troy so they understand the meaning of the whole operation. I've contancted Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt who both played a part in the movie "Troy" so they know how to resque GD Anna. Please send bags full of smelling salt, I don't know whether she will faint or jump into their arms seeing them.

On the other hand a female army with GD Janet as general would have been more sufficient, women act immidiately while you men sell ice cream....sigh.

Tsar Doug forgive me being so impertinent but you know how GD Anna acts when things doesn't go her way. And she's furieus at the forbidden Chinese Emperor
neglecting her case, so takes it all on me.


Zoya Hilariouskaya doing an ungrateful job serving a swelled head brat of an Imperial GD. Who blames her?

[Douglas]

Dearest Zoya:

Please tell the GD Anna that she should take off that ridiculous divers suit and come to the party. What idiot sent her that anyway?  It's high time she spoke directly to us and not just through her secretary, court lackies and other downstairs maids, hall boys and other assorted ner-do-wells of her entourage.  

All this talk about china, China, Chinese, and Royal Doulton has set my teeth on edge.  Tell Anna to look at these sets and decide which is best suited for uncle Alexzander's  Greek wedding.  A few hundred might get broken when we do the toasting but so what.  We can always buy more as the factory in Moscow is going at full production since the Red Army took over in 1950.


Of course all they make are Imperial Yacht patterns......as I show here.  Standart is the middle set.  

Yes, Zoya, swelled head is right.  Ever since Anna went to Russia and tried to set up housekeeping in the Kremlin royal palace she's just been a royal queen bee.   Or as they say in Nedderlandish.....Queen B.

Also, please do let Anna know that she should choose some ice cream dishes for the new collection..

Tsar Doug............smelling salts please.........

Also, have her choose some shot glasses for the gentlemen's saloon.  I think  Count Lucien, HIH Robert and I'll have some now.

[Valmont]

My God !!.. I just got back just to find out everyone is gone??. The Palace is deserted and destroyed. Well, at least they did not find The OTHER vault with the jewels. I would hate to go back to Food stamps again.. er..