Imperial Family Claimants Post Here . . .

[jehan]

Hello  Jehan and all Imperial members of the Court:

From your vivid description of your Husky doggy we can only come to the logical conclusion that she is a direct descendant of the pooches around and about Ekaterinburg in 1918!  Please let us know her name so that we can add her to the Imperial Roster of Palace Pooches.  This is better known as the IRPP.  

Our kitty cat Coal is also a direct link to the kitchen staff of the Alexander Palace.  In 1916 the kitty that used to hang about the milk  cow barn gave birth to Felix Bourbon Rostov, a beautiful Russian Black.  We can actually trace our dear Coal, who is a Russian Black,  directly to this cat from the Imperial Kitchens.  Tell that to Ancestors.com - "D"

Of course she must be so descended-  from of a doggy witness to the doings in Siberia in 1918.  Her name is Koira.  She is proud to join the IRPP. In the movie, (or the remake, I suppose) she could be played by one of the stars of "Snow Dogs", of course.

[anna]

Uncle Valmont my dearie,

You are back .........thought we lost you for ever. Nice to catch up with our Imperial family again. Was it because of that film you made? Why should we take you to court,
what's in that agreement I have to sign? I hope the film doesn't reveal our family secrets and dirty laundry. You've made me curious, please sent tickets, don't forget the GD/GP Janet.

Anna

[Janet_W.]

Greetings once more from the GD/GP Janet, who is suffering a relapse of La Grippe, but is most interested in all that is transpiring re: our dueling films. (Uncle Valmont, you sly puss!   ) Allow me, then, an additional evening of respite, and then I shall respond to this highly intriguing situation.

Cinematically Yours--

The GD/GP Janet

P.S. Has anyone heard from Meryl yet?

[Janet_W.]

Fellow Claimants and Future Hollywood Celebrities, I have returned.

That special cough syrup Tsar Doug sent has been helpful in a number of ways--hic!--but not in reducing the cough itself. However, We carry on as best We can.

*****

Now, Uncle Val, what's all this about a completed film? Really, darling, is that why you have been so quiet all these months? Tsk, tsk . . . Sneaky little you!

Of course, we need keep in mind that no less than the Long Island Lolita had three movies made about her. But since we, as claimants, have greater style and dignity than Amy-what's-her-name--and certainly more than those folks (what is their family name?) that continue to feud and then ignore each other-- we should be able to confer and reach mutually agreeable decisions on such matters.

So, my question to you, Uncle Val: Could you consider your recent work as a trailer to our magnificent, soon-to-be-filmed spectacle, starring Meryl (of course) as me?

Remember, what's in it for you is a night at the Academy Awards, and not necessarily sitting way out there with the film grips and Mickey Rooney, but right up in the front row with Jack so you and he can be heckled by the host.

How about it, darling Uncle? Let's do lunch.  

Yours for a whole row of Oscars--

The GD/GP Janet

[AnBhanfhaidh]

Dear Valmont:
I too am SO pleased you have returned. Of course, I was not yet in the Imp Intell. Service when you last were seen posting here, but, like a good spy, I did my homework and read all(!!) the previous posts.
So glad the hatchet has been buried. (Not IN someone, I hope). Does this mean you are giving up your claim to the Tsarship. Tsar Doug directed me to choose my own regal title and I quite modestly, if I do say so myself, selected a mere countess-ship. Nary a word did I hear. The budgerigevitch made me a GD. So, if you are not in the running, I may be going to the birds!!
 
 Also, I'd like to point out that I have three beautiful cats who are feeling left out of the imperial menagerie. I didn't mention that before because my boss and mentor Anna has a thing about cats. However, she is now spreading vicious rumors about soup slurping. I most certainly do NOT slurp soup. Burp champagne - well, that's another story - best not to go into. I do have my pride.

 Feeling slighted (sniff sniff) double agent for hire...Tati

[NAAOTMA]

Dearest Tati,

Do not feel slighted, dearie. The gracious Tsar will be most delighted to welcome your felines. We had a slight problem in the Mountain Hall re: felines and canaries earlier this summer, but that has all been sorted out!

Anna is so busy, she sometimes forgets small things, like who actually is the person slurping soup, or where her sapphires are, for example. I am sure if she did not believe you have great potential as a spylady, she would never had agreed to be your mentor. Court Secret: we all burp after too much of the bubbley! So you will be among friends who also happen to be courtiers in that naughty habit...

Just read the lastest issue of MAJESTY magazine...it panned U. Valmont's film but praised the ours, currently in production. I for one am delighted that U. Valmont is returned to us, but do wonder if it is not in part designed to bolster his box office...whatever, it is nice to think he has returned from his self-imposed Siberian Exile...or was he at his estate outside of Moscow...or was he in that Mexican jail working off his bar bill at Ajo Al's Margarita Den?

Dearies, please remember that your Holiday Gift Request Lists need to be submitted to me by October 1st in order to insure that the Tsar and the Empress have plenty of time to do their Christmas shopping. Even though Christmas falls later at Court due to being OLD STYLE on the calendar, they do hate last minute shopping. So hard to get things monogramed on a short deadline, much less specially commissioned. I think you will all be cross to receive run-of-the-mill items if your lists come to the Court after 10/1/04 (O.S.)...

Caio for now, and let it be known that I DO NOT want to be seated anywhere near that Jack person at the Oscars. Sitting next to Colin Firth or Hugh Jackman would be okay. Of course Anna will dazzle all the gentlemen, so we other ladies must be content with her scraps...Melissa K. and Ortino II

["D" & "E"]

Greetings Most Gracious Courtiers:

It is wonderful that Tsar Valmont is back and giving us his usual style and wit.  Oh, what a great &  humoresque fellow!  I sent the Empress out to do all of the Christmas shopping this afternoon. She went out barefoot, we do not know why.  We have decided that all of our presents for the courtiers will be objets  d' Sterling Silver.  Some of the stuff may be made a la Chini but then what isn't these days.  
All will be given out by our dear GD  Melissa at the  bal de maske on Boxing Day, Old style.  I got that great idea from Her Greatest Majesty Eliz. II, what a gal and loads of fun after a bit of the old mead.  Ta ta, for now......"D"

[Valmont]

NAOTMA,
I asked you not to mention anything about the "Margarita incident".. I feel so ashame...
Best regards,
(I will let you know  all the details about the movie latter)

["D"]

Dearest  Tsar Valmont:  Look, you met Margarita, it was a wild and crazy one night fling ... just let it go at that. We  knew she was not for you.  Everyone knows gypsies can be that way.  Let the music play on......"D"

[NAAOTMA]

Dear Valmont,

I do always pride myself on my discretion...but frankly, so many gentlemen have confided in my regarding their little indiscretions with Ms. Margarita that I keep forgetting who is on the "it is a big secret" list and who is on the "common knowledge list"...so sorry. I must write it all down in my little mauve notebook with the clever little gold Faberge pencil to keep it all straight. You can always say you were there keeping a friend company re: Ajo Al's. Several Grand Dukes have used that one, and it works! It also works for Albert of Monaco. Do not be ashamed, as to ere is human, to ere imperially is close to divine...    caio for now,   Melissa K. and Ortino II

[Douglas]

Dearest Courtiers.......  We  order that all courtiers  arrive at the  palace at noon tomorrow for our group photo.  If you cannot arrive a stand-in servant will be at your position and a photo of your dear face will be pasted in place.  We got a few of the genders mixed up last year but we all had a great laugh over it. All the best...."D"

[Janet_W.]

My Most Humble Salutations, Tsar Doug--

But for goodness sakes, don't let that trollop Margarita into tomorrow's photoshoot. She'll just ruin everything and will no doubt be up to no good, announcing her upcoming nuptials to Uncle Val or some such related nonsense.

Also, dear Tsar, please ask your dear Empress/Tsarina to put on some shoes when she goes out to shop. Glass slippers are not necessary; a sturdy pair of clogs will suffice.

Now what's this about a Boxing Day gala, and why haven't I received my invitation?! Am I perchance being excluded?!    This will  become a matter of extreme regret, for if you think Queen Elizabeth can party down after a pint, you just haven't seen yours very truly in action after a mere glass or two of pink champagne.

'Nuff said.

I remain the well-shod, slightly tipsy, head-scandal-off-at-the-pass

GD/GP Janet

[anna]

My dearies,

Tati my dearest, I didn't want to offend you but once and a while I have to be critical, it's for your own good my dearest child otherwise you'll never learn the business. You have to learn and take criticism from your superior mentor spy. (lesson 5) Stay with me in this dearie.

As spy first class I knew all about Margarita ( no not Eve). I shut my eyes only to protect Uncle Val for gossip, we royals can be such lovely people. There's no need for him to feel embarressed. Imagine how I must feel about all my affairs with GD's etc etc and all for the sake of people and country. Though there's of course great difference between a trollop and a spy, don't you forget.

Dougie dear, don't you dare to put a stand in at my place,only my dazzling features will be on that photo.
Btw we saw your precious empress "barefoot in the park".

That's all for now dearies, see you soon at the photoshooting, Ladies don't forget furs and tiara's.

Anna

[Douglas]

Hello Dearest Courtiers:  Thank you all who managed to show up for our group photo of imperial courtiers.  The only little problem was that several of you scamps sent either one of your servants or in two cases, either your dog or cat as a stand in   for the photo session.  The empress was not amused.  We had to take a separate photo of the animals.  Anna, you looked most wonderful in your tirara. Melissa was most gracious to ask Ortino to please be still for the photo and  Janet...way too much makeup.  All for now dear ones...."D"

[Janet_W.]

That wasn't me, you dunderhead--I mean, Your Most Imperial Highness --that was someone dressed  as me . . . an impersonator! And, might I add, not of the female persuasion. How he managed to convince all of you that he was I, I'll never know. I may not be the most girlie of girls, but I'm certainly no Harvey Fierstein.  

Anyway, the beast broke into my boudoir, locked me into the watercloset, then made off with my best ceremonial dress and tiarra. When he obtained the makeup, I'll never know . . . and if you knew me better, you'd know I NEVER wear anything more than a light dusting of face powder and an exceedingly modest amount of lip rouge. ("Never gild the lily," my late GD/GP used to so gallantly say.)

Then as if things weren't bad enough, this imposter, this--this--scoundrel! vagabond! took my royal cat Rex--so no wonder poor Rexie was struggling as the photographer tried to keep everyone still. Let me tell you, this cat burglar was no John Robie, and the only fireworks that night were the ones when I kicked in the door and swore at my bodyguards. As for Rex, he did return home after an incredible journey, and has since assured me that never again will he become involved with a female impersonator.

Awaiting the Vanity Fair coverage of this distinctly non-event event, I remain

The victimized but undaunted GD/GP Janet