Imperial Family Claimants Post Here . . .

[Pravoslavnaya]

FROM:  HIM-ically Perched ALEXIS PERCIVAL, Budgerigar of Budgerigars, etc. etc.
TO:  HIM Tsar Douglas et al..

WE ALEXIS-PERCIVAL, Budgerigar of Budgerigars, do heartily approve of the Imperial Group Photograph and even find the newspaper copies much too good to use as cage paper.  We have informed our human staff here at the Hermitage in Massandra to be especially careful of the contents of all newsprint lest HIH the Cossack Baby employ it carelessly, before WE and the rest of us have even read it.

With loftiest regards,
HIM-ically Perched ALEXIS-PERCIVAL

["D"]

Dearest  GD Janet:  Our most gracious and sniffling apologies. We outstretch our hands to you in deepest  placation and reparation.  The empress and I had no idea that  that 'impersonator' was not the real thing...our dear GD Janet.  'He' certainly took a liking to our new under hallman.  It always concerns us when guests are overly friendly with the staff. The last we saw of either of them was a huge cloud of smoke and dust as they roared off in the butler's green Jaguar.   I did notice a darling cat looking back in fear and dismay from the rear window.  The Jag seemed to be going north by northwest.  Anyway, so happy your dear Rex has returned and all is well.  The only thing that  sullied  the photo was the Empress's ubiquitous coffee cup.  The sometimes out foxed,  "D".

[NAAOTMA]

Janet,

Well, deary, you will NEVER guess who rang me up from London and asked if I could meet him for lunch! You guessed it---Dominick Dunne! He is one slyboots! I did remind him that I have heard nothing from him since last spring when my little chat over tea with him at the London Ritz, which he assured me was a private conversation, was quoted in VF at length! Thank heavens I had maintained my discretion and vigilance, and let no gossip pass my lips. All he could quote was banal generalities about the younger generation of the Grimaldi clan that everyone already knows, or think they do. I will lunch with him, but only sip Virgin Marys and blush into my napkin when he tries to pry out details. I will have a lovely lunch. He will come away from it with nada information. As you well know, the Tsar's motto "Loose lips sink yachts" is a wise saying for a courtier to remember always!

I do hope you are recovering from LaGrippe de SantaFe and your harrowing experience in your wardrobe closet. You are a very brave girl, and the Tsar and Empress are sending over a footman with a lovely tray of baubles from our favorite Mr. Faberge. The Tsar instructs that you are to choose whatever tickles your fancy. Sorry to say that the Cary Grant lookalike footman is NOT available to bring it to you. He is busy learning a new game- "Charade" to teach us all at the next evening salon at the palace. Hope that one is as much fun as "Walk Don't Run" was to learn...

Take care of yourself, and thank heavens Rex is back with you safe and sound.   Melissa & Ortino II

["Doug"]

Dearest GD Melissa:

Please do not spill the imperial family beans to Dominick!  The last time one of the courtiers talked with that sourly sweet fellow,  I had to call our royal lawyers, Dewey, Cheatham & Howe to get the papers from printing stories about our laundry that was hung out to dry.  Also, tread lightly about our dear son Prince Orlov.  I know he likes to take dancing lessons with Prince Albert of Monaco but let's just leave it at that, if you get my drift dear one.  Have a great lunch with Dom and enjoy the view of London.  Say hello to E II and that gang of plain and ordinary royals.  BTW, be very careful if Kitty K. asks you for lunch...she is said to be thinking about a tell-all book about moi and the empress...plus a few other sundry imperials thrown in for good measure.  Look for me and the empress on Leno ..........Cheers and fond adeu...Tsar Douglas and the Imperial Family.  Tea time......

[Janet_W.]

Well (sniff) . . . I accept your apologies.  

And can the bauble be something in pink enamel?   With little seed pearls?     Much appreciated, and I await the arrival of Tsar Doug’s footman. My preference is your good man Archibald Leach, in a kilt if you please.    As you know, after renouncing all animal products in tribute to my dear Rex, I have given up that touch of mink for a touch of Faberge . . . and possibly a bit more.      

BTW, speaking of HRF (His Royal Feline), I am happy to announce that Rex is recovering from his harrowing experience with the cat burglar. It is so difficult bringing up baby, and of course given that the grass is always greener and I’m no angel, it was only natural that Rex might initially involve himself in a notorious and indiscreet liaison with someone who dared to lock me into my own water closet, then absconded with my evening gown and tiara. Sometimes, however, it takes a thief to make one appreciate what one already has, though I would imagine that none but the lonely heart would understand. At any rate, that monkey business is now a thing of the past, though the awful truth is that it will take me some time to recover. I imagine the Faberge bauble will assist to that end.

But honestly, fellow claimants, if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. First the Santa Fe La Grippe, and then that imposter/impersonator. And now—with apologies to HIM Alexis-Percival—my royal feathers are ruffled by the thought of the Grand Duchess Melissa's upcoming tête-à-tête with Mr. Dominick Dunne. Merciful heavens, does that man ever quit? Please, GD Melly--and I may call you that, may I not? It makes me feel so very Scarlett--I do ask that you exercise caution. By all means be demure, and do not--I repeat, do NOT--allow that slyboots Mr. D to slip you a mickey. I am well aware of his techniques, and he is a naughty, naughty boy.

Recovering from the latest debacle, I remain

The GD/GP Janet

[anna]

GD/GP Janet dearie and others,

Ah... quelle expérience terrible you must have had, I feel sooo sorry for you. And all this after la grippe, I do hope your nerves can cope with this, take lots of rest my dear. I'll sent you some old movies from Garry Grant and the premiere of ...my newest CD.." Anna's greatest Movie scores" to keep your mind on nicer things.

Dougie dear, thanks you liked my tiara, tho' it wasn't the only thing I was wearing. The Empress was a bit overdressed, was it necessary for her to wear all the imperial  jewels? Even my darkest sunglasses couldn't stand the sparkling and glittering, hope we can see somebody on that photo not only a bright flash. And about that women Kitty K--- be careful yes, she can beat you around the "bush"!!

I think I've lost my protege Tati, didn't heard from her in days. Perhaps she's gone of with Uncle Valmont - Lost in space- too. Its better for me to keep spying a one women-business. I'm feeling very sad, can't trust no spy I'll cancel all my spy-appointments and withdraw in my boudoir, listening to old Russian songs, eat a blini or two well maybe three :-/

Anna

[Douglas]

Dearest GD Janet:  Our footmen do not wear kilts at this time.  We tried it a few years ago and found that they tended to ride up, so to speak, and did cause a wee bit of consternation with Father Antonov and his accolade of new priests of our precious  Holy Orthodox faith.  You see what I mean, dear one. Mr.Fabrege with a tray of this and that , will arrive shortly so that you may choose from as you so desire.  Time for coffee with the Empress and GD Melissa.  She's just back from some mysterious trip and wants to 'tell all'.  Ta ta dearest ones........."D"

[anna]

Douglas dearie,

Ha, you've found your birthcertificate A worthy and warm welcome to our royal family. At last official, you really do exist

Anna

[Douglas]

Dearest Grand  Dame Duchess Anna:  Thank you so much for your warm welcome to the 'official' family of courtiers.    Now that we're legal,  I guess the Empress and I will have to sort of behave in a more royal manner. But is that really fun?  So I guess it is back to our usual imperial high jinks, boisterous celebration and merrymaking on the stage of the entire world. Please send a kind word over to the Queen of the Netherlands to please be on the lookout for a man wearing a straw hat carrying a briefcase.  I'm sending Her Majesty a little bon marche that I got on Rodeo Drive last week.  Oops, my iced tea has turned to solid ice...too long in the freezer and all the footmen are off duty for this hour.  All the best and thank you for the kind words...."D" as usual.    

[Janet_W.]

Dearest Tsar Doug--

I see what you mean about the kilts. (Actually, I don't see what you mean .  . . more's the pity.) However, please don't have Mr. Faberge trouble himself to bring over the baubles on his own; just ask for a young ADC to do the deed.

(Well really, T.D., can you blame me? Such a loooong recuperation, and then that nasty business with the impersonator/imposter. The upshot of it is, one becomes terribly, terribly lonely.    )

And please say hello to G.D. Melissa for me. Truly I hope the beans are still in the bag.

Also, are congratulations in order? Have you truly found your birth certificate, as [Spy] Anna avers? If so, 'tis time to break out the blinis and balalikas once more!

Yours for jewels--

The GD/GP Janet

[Douglas]

Dearest  Courtiers:

The Empress and I have just received a note from our dear son's tutor.  It seems that his IQ is way too high.  We are at complete loss as what to do.  Any suggestions?  I can barely add two plus two, his mother is as dull as a load of lumber and now this embarrassment to the royal family. Should we make him watch more TV?  I understand that this causes brain cells to die rapidly.  Suggestions are most welcome.  What is 2 + 2?  As ever...."D" & "E".

[NAAOTMA]

Dear Tsar Doug,

So relieved that you avoided the train to CyberSiberia! Finding that Birth Certificate saved alot of fuss! Did I hear correctly that the copy service at Tsarkoe really worked overtime coming up with the other supporting documents? Sometimes having a very smart son is useful! I hear he was such a help in this matter. Other royals who shall remain nameless really envy you Grand Duke Platon.  Caio for now, GD Melissa & Ortino II

[Douglas]

Dearest Grand  Duchess  Melissa:  As for my birth certificate, it seems to have been lost.  Our family records are kept in President Putin's lower righthand desk drawer in the Kremlin. He may be faxing some of them to moi from Kinko's in Moscow.  Please, dear one, do not use that  Grand Duke name in public.  It can get one in a lot of agua caliente, what with Kitty K. always snooping around with Dominick Dunne at her side with his telescope trained on our palace.    Please let  GD Janet know that we'll be sending one of our newest  ADC's to her country lodge with some very magnificent cubic Z's set in  papermache.  Whether or not he will do the deed I cannot comment on at this time. "D" ...GD Anna, what were you doing with that stranger at the cafe?  

[Janet_W.]

Tsar Doug--

That was no stranger with Spy Anna, that was me, you cuckoofeather--I mean, Your Imperial Highness.

Golly, can't a girl take a little international R & R without being ignored by He Whom She Serves? It just so happens that before receiving your hand-picked ADC I decided to take the waters and some other rejuvenating programs . . . and suddenly there you are, two tables away, looking through your pince-nez and arched eyebrow, then slowly turning your gaze in the other direction. Either it was a deliberate snub or you're as myopic as a bat.

Now, as for the cubics-in-paper-mache, you know very well, Tsar Doug, that I never settle for anything second rate. In other words, no topazes, only diamonds. I have hung on to my ideals, and I shall not be put upon. So just because you send over a handsome ADC does not mean I am lowering my standards. Au contraire, my dear Tsar, I know my worth! And when it comes to presentations of appeasement, I not only look a gift horse in the mouth, but if necessary I perform root canals and install crowns.  

Yours for scalpels and sutures--

The GD/GP Janet

[JonC]

Crazy stuff guys...this must be margarita'sville for sure.