Imperial Family Claimants Post Here . . .

[Douglas]

Dear Courtiers...it has just been announced that the crown prince of Cambodia will be the new king.  As a ballet dancer and choreographer he should be able to bring real class to his high office.  Finally we will have a King of Cambodia that can dance!  Will he star in a new movie?  Will he play himself?  

You see I was correct.  Tsars,  kings, emperors and empresses must know how to dance.  Will these wonders never cease?  "D"

[Janet_W.]

From the Guest House adjacent the Neptune Pool

Good morning, Tsar Doug!

So sorry to hear of your misfortune last evening. Landing amongst the zoo animals is surely not the most fortuitous of entrances, though it certainly does not lack in drama.

It appears my look-a-like and the look-a-likes for Grand Duchesses Melissa and Anna must have advised you re: the house boat accomodations, because God knows the actual GDs/GPs would not make such decisions. (You did know, didn't you, that we royals always have  look-a-likes? A bothersome situation, to be sure, but ah such is life.) In fact, I am not altogether certain that the real Melissa and the real Anna have arrived yet. However, you will soon have the pleasure of meeting moi: I will be the diver drilling holes in your houseboat. And oh yes, I am six feet tall, whether in or out of the water. We GDs/GPs, you see, are a lanky lot!

Donning my scuba equipment, I remain

The GD/GP Janet

[Douglas]

News Flash from the Imperial Houseboat  in the pool at San Simeon:  The Empress and I had this strange sinking feeling this morning when we were having our herring and cream cheese.  First the deck was wet, then the water began to rise around our knees.  Being somewhat alarmed I called the captain to ask his advice.  Our dear old captain, declared a nautical emergency and lowered the rubber rafts.  We all got in and rowed over to the steps of the pool and clambered out.  We then saw the GD Janet tripping up the steps to the Guest House clothed in scuba gear and an electric drill.  We are puzzled and flabbergasted.  Why would the GD drill holes in our houseboats?  We immediately sent our ADC's to seek her out and ask a few pointed questions.  "D" ...looking for a new abode for the imperial suite. :-/

[Janet_W.]

Greetings once more from a Greyhound Bus.

Having made it necessary for Tsar Doug & spouse to abandon their houseboat which was, after all, not approved by the Hearst foundation, I left them my guest house, complete with the budgies, and am now on the road again, in search of Valmontsky.

Although traveling incognito, I realize that being a six foot GD/GP makes this rather difficult. So if you do happen to recognize me, don't do anything to give me away . . . a simple bow and kiss of my gloved hand will be sufficient . . .

Peripatetically Yours--

The GD/GP Janet

[Pravoslavnaya]

From the cage paper of HIH-Perchedness the Budgerigarevich DMITRI, M.A. of all Bird Brains, IBS Best in Show, etc., etc, so on and so forth

To:  All Human Claimants Present at the Guest House Lately Occupied by HIH the GD/GP JANET, Princess of the Entire West Coast, etc, etc..


It has come to the attention of Our August Flock that since HIH the GD/GP JANET, who after all has gone beyond the call of duty past all deference normal to someone who would not normally be particularly enthralled by Our delightful and almost mercurial avian antics, has in fact allowed Your Imperial Majesties and Highnesses to take over these premises, and;

Are now enjoying yourselves immensely while Our loving attendant is content to feed us and pamper us, all the while learning her Church Slavonic like a good monastic wanna-be;

We, being the Birdly Sorts We are, have decided to let Your Majesties and Highnesses carry on.  Our flight back to Massandra and the Hermitage has been arranged for sometime next week, and We will be available for audiences with Your Imperial  Majesties and Highnesses until the time of Our departure.

Most cordially and with loftiest regards.  Have fun.
HIH the Budgerigarevich DMITRI.

[Douglas]

My entire suite has had to retreat from La Casa Hearst and head down the coast.  We came to a fork in the road when all of a sudden we were at  T-bone with a Greyhound bus. The bus had a large sign on the side that stated: "Valmontsky or Bust".  I told the driver of our limo to stop.  Our other limo sped around and blocked the passage of the bus.  I ordered our ADCs to board the bus and inquire as to the occupants.

Well, lo and behold, they found the GD Janet hiding in the last row. Just as I suspected she is up to her old tricks of symbolically placing a pie in the Tsar's face. We exhanged words and I headed back to our fleet of limos.  "D"  

[NAAOTMA]

Dearies All,

My head is spinning! So many comings and goings! I can barely keep track of me, muchless my double! As my two girls say, just one of mummy is plenty enough! But really, I am getting tired reading about the comings and goings, much less then realizing that it is also happening to me! If this is Sunday, are we in sunny Mexico? Do we have to learn any more dance numbers? Are we to pack to visit the new King of Cambodia, so lovely there this time of year and will the budgies like it?

I spoke to my galpal Teresa last week and she agreed to send over a case of Heinz 57 to the Imperial Train. She won't be happy to know that since leaving Hearst Castle, that special case of Heinz 57 with the double eagle crest labels has vanished and bottles looking alot like it are showing up on eBay...plus, what does one put on one's chips? One of the suite suggested mayo, but then we won't fit into our formal attire at the start of the Season. Split seams are not chic.

GD Janet now has a lovely tan. I have watermarks on my luggage. Anna and her protege always seem to land on their feet in a private jet, clever girls. Someone (NOT ME THIS TIME) needs to go clean the budgie cages. They are so cute. The person who started the rumor they could end up as hat decorations should be spanked.   Caio for now, GD Melissa and Ortino II

[Douglas]

When  we got back to our fleet of limos I was greeting by a messenger.  The note read that our limos were needed for an important wedding in Beverly Hills.  So there we were standing by the road with all of our luggage and wondering what next.  I had our ADC call for some bicycles.  When the 62 bicycles arrived we loaded up and headed for the pier at the Port of  San Simeon.  We camped out overnight and  next morning boarded the yacht  Nahlin which we had brought over here from England just in case we needed her.  The last  time anyone  of importance used her was in 1936, when Edward the VIII and Mrs Simpson went  on a cruise in the Med. What a scandal that was!  We steamed off  towards  Hawaii and we hope to be able to stay at the royal palace located on one of those enchanted islands.  Aloha all....."D" and the imperial suite.

PS:  The Nahlin was built in 1930  and although she is 300 feet long we're all a bit crowded as our suite is   35 people.  This also includes Ortino II - GD Melissa's  little dog and a few birds, I regret to report!

[Janet_W.]

Now really, Tsar Doug, I had no idea you were such a madcap.

And didn't you know that I have a double? Most royals do, you know. So, which one of us was on board that particular Greyhound bus, hmmm?! You see, with the tip money made at the Neptune Pool, I decided to employ two buses . . . one for the real GD/GP, and one for the double. So frankly, T.D., I have the feeling your ADCs didn't go through the checklist of GD/GP Janet identification points.  

Also, according to your report you have some birds on board--would that include the budgies?--plus Ortino II. But where, for heaven's sake, is the Grand Duchess Melissa? Really, too cruel to separate owner from faithful trusted canine.

I have visited the royal palace in Honolulu but you may be disappointed to know that just like Hearst Castle, it, too, is a tourist attraction. That's why, dearest T.D., I am on the road to Valmonstky--one of the few private palaces left. Now, if only Tsar Valmont will let me know where it is . . .

The double your pleasure, double your fun

GP/GD Janet

P.S. What sort of pie do you prefer?  

[AnBhanfhaidh]

GD Melissa:
  Master Spy Anna may have landed on her feet, so-to-speak, jet-plane style, but me she pushed out the plane over Hollywood. Something about checking out a film. Said the parachute jump would be good training for me. If only I'd known I needed a parachute.  :-/
  Still, all those hours spent watching Discover and PBS (while the entourage parties at various West Coast USA mansions) wasn't for nil. I hugged my knees, making myself a little ball until well clear of the jet's airstream and then unbutton my way-too-big-for-me trench coat and arms and legs spread wide glided (?) smack into a tree top. That Anna - always the kidder!!!
   Once I extricate myself from the tree, I'll wander over to Hollywood. With all the film-napping going on these days, I should be able to get a hold of one of Val's prints. Hope it has some useful information - Valmonsky seems to change location with every post. (Brigadoon???)
  Reporting from a the field - well, a tree, really...Tati

[Valmont]

Hello everyone,
Just to let you know there has been a security leak. I never told anyone where Valmonstky was being built, except that it was being built in Tijuana. Now Dougie Dear knows it is near by the race track district..  I knew i was not crazy when I thought that Flower lady who knocked at my door looked like Douglas...mmm
Ok... I must now  delay the "Open House", until everything is ready. I will let you know when the party will be, until then, no more interviews..ok?
Thank you all

[anna]

Dearies,

Good heavens.. unbelievable My protege Tati hanging in a tree top. Sorry dearie, forgot to tell you how that jump thing worked. Stay put and I'll pick you up with da plane.
Tsar Doug with his entourage dancing the whoola whoola in Honolulu. Two buses with two GD Janets on its way to Valmontsky, but where is Tsar Valmont? Big chance Valmontsky palace is a Fata Morgana. Tsar Justinian never showed his roman nose, I guess he's feeling sick of eating to much key lime pie.
Ortino II without Melissa? Budgies hopping around. Everybody is running around to... I don't know where. Dearies, this is supposed to be an Imperial court......  We're Royals.....
Goodness gracious how do I explain all  this to Queen B ??  I really need to make reservations in a health resort.  

Anna

[NAAOTMA]

Dearies All,

First off, dear Tati, just stay put...I will send the limo to fetch you if Anna doesn't show up first...sorry that you are having such a bumpy time in the world of spies...but you are very plucky indeed! Anna will be a wonderful mentor to you if you can live through the training process!

And Janet, remember the racetrack at Tiajuana is where Marcela Z. met Charles Howard, so perhaps you will find someone who is dishy and RICH there...instead of your usual dishy but POOR type of guy...remember the old saying "It is as easy to love a rich man as a poor one"...my own dear mama made me repeat that each night along with my prayers as a little girl. Valmontsky construction workers will be a temptation, but please do remember who you are!

Second off, Tsar Doug really needs to have a better departure checklist when the ship is leaving! There I was in the ladies' loo, using the handblower to dry the hem of my sable coat, and when I returned to the dock, the Nahlin was barely a speck on the horizon...I could hear my dear doggie Ortino II barking on the deck, but alas no HUMAN on board noticed...or will, until they need someone to get the Empress another mocha latte or Tsar Doug a fresh supply of limes and icecubes and no on can scare up the help...was it just me, or did anyone else hear the ghostly barking of pugs below deck while the luggage was being loaded?

Thank you Anna dear for scaling the side of the Nahlin and getting my dear Ortino II back to me. I for one will stay on dry land, at that lovely hotel on Coronado Island, until the Imperial Party is safely back from Thailand. The nice people at the hotel have told me that as long as Ortino is on his Faberge leash and displaying his usual impeccable doggie manners, he is more than welcome in the Prince of Wales dining room at the hotel.

I hope that someone remembers to feed the birdies on the Nahlin...or Anna, did you rescue them too and send them on to the Crimea and safety?
\

I don't know about the rest of you Imperial Girls, but I for one could use a few days at the spa. We could think of it as an Imperial slumber party of sorts for us ladies! My galpal T. swears by botox, but I think I will settle for the manicure/pedicure/facial routine...royals never try too hard, yes? And our teeth are never bleached to the point they resemble chicklets or piano keys...ciao for now, GD Melissa & Ortino II (back where he belongs!)

[Douglas]

NAHLIN:  at sea.........rain soaked......no tranmissions by radio......storms.......taking on water......pumps going full speed.......headed south.........rain........heavy seas..........empress below decks, seasick..........more to follow..........."D"  Hawaii on the horizon .......maybe...not sure........captain says we're lost........

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NAHLIN:  at sea - day two........sunshine this morning......yacht  more stable.....having banana creme pie for breakfast.......checking  the  maps for logitude and latitude .......hoping to find land soon.....sea gulls swirling overhead ........the budgies in their cages trying to  dryout.......may break out the signal flags.....we see another yacht on the horizon......sending up smoke flares ........firing the cannon......maybe we'll have an on deck barbecue this afternoon......steaming full speed 10 degress south by south west........"D" .....[time for tea]  hope all the GD's are well......GD Melissa, GD Janet and , Anna and Valmontsky....do you read me?....try and send message.......over and out. Wishing you all were here with us................ can you hear this message?..... never buy a yacht made in the last century .......** end of transmission.........hearing "Radio Honolulu on AM"..........

[Douglas]

NAHLIN:  at sea--day three.....ran out of fuel oil....most of antique furniture thrown into the engine firebox......bright sunshine in the afternoon......after lunch the crew staged a mutiny.....the captain, cook and shoeshine boy left in the longboat for an island  on the western horizon....map hard to read but may say "Pit___n" something, not sure.....dropped anchor in evening at north end of small atoll called Howland...went ashore & found an old airplane door with the word "Amelia" on the side.....probably doesn't mean anything.....headed back out to sea after dark....."D"