Ai Todor, Crimea
May 4, 1917
My own angelic, beloved Valdemar!
I am writing again without knowing if you will ever get my letters, for I have heard nothing from you since February, it is frightful to be cut off from all of you like this! I have written three times since I got your last letter in Kiev; once I had been in Mogiliev, with my poor beloved, sorely tried Nicky in order to take heartrendering leave of him, and twice here from the Crimea. Everything is awful beyond description, and I only wonder that I am still alive. It is inconceivable how much sorrow and despair one can stand without the unfathomable misfortune, which has struck us with the speed of lightning.
We did feel long ago that it was fermenting as I wrote several times last year, but never would one have been able to foresee such a dreadful catastrophe. It shows how stirred up people must have been even in the past few years. People have been playing with fire for far too long, always done everything against those with sense without wanting to open their ears or eyes to see or understand (that) they themselves helped the revolt. One blunder was made after the other, all the many changes of minister, almost every week, and then at last the unbelievable choice of Protopopov, who was proved an out and out villain and traitor, whom she considered the best and most devoted friend! In order to justify himself afterwards, he is said to have exclaimed ; what could I do with the two mad people in front of me: which is despicable, disgusting fellow, who lied to their faces the whole time and convinced them that everything was going beautifully and that she was much wiser than Catherine II! What must she think and feel now, the helpless creature? -
I do not hear the least from them and am disconsolate not to know how my poor Nicky is, and how he is being treated! It is all surpassingly awful and you can imagine how it tortures and plagues me night and day! In addition we do not know yet how pecuniary matters will be resolved since the appanage for the family has already been confiscated, so they can live on air and water. It is downright scandalous.
Here we are already living quite modestly since everything is so expensive these days and costs three times as much as it did before. Xenia and Sandro have already been obliged to send most of their people away, since they do not have the money to keep so many. I have only my one servant and a Cossack here, who waits on table at dinner. I eat lunch with everyone in the large house, but dinner is here together with Olga and Irina and Andre (the oldest son of Xenia and Sandro). We live a very quiet existence, walk a great deal in the lovely garden, where everything is flowering so magnificently. But one cannot enjoy anything when one is so unhappy and profoundly sad and disconsolate! -
The weather is unfortunately quite unstable, fairly cold with a nasty wind. Only in the sun is it lovely. I have still not been in Livadia, which it would indeed be difficult for me to see again after an absence of 22 years! I never thought of coming here again to the Crimea, which I loved before, when my beloved Sascha and I lived here together so happily. But after the indescribable pain of losing him here, with all the heartrendering memories, I could not think of ever living here again. Now I have been forced to because of the appalling events and must even be grateful for having found shelter with my dear Xenia and Sandro! For me, this is all new, since Livadia is all the way on the other side of the coast and the view of the sea is also completely different ..
Ai Todor has become so lovely, newly planted where once there was only an ugly, little wild oak forest, Now it has become a lovely park and the most charming garden filled with flowers and all kinds of fruit trees.
It is a joy and a great comfort that at least we can live together here en famille far from it all. Olga lives in the same house as I with her husband , who no longer feels like a stranger in our circle. He is quite nice, and what is most important, she is so happy with him, thank God.
All my grandchildren are happy and content and help put some life and encouragement into our sad existence. Irina lives in Koreiz, quite nearby, so that she comes over several times a day. Her baby is a charming little girl, who runs around and is beginning to talk, not at all afraid or shy.
I am happy that you got Felix's telegram, the only way I can send messages, since my telegrams may not be sent; I do not understand why, since there is no sense in it -
I was furious to read in the newspaper from Stockholm that I soi disant had immediately thrown myself over to the side of the revolution. I hope, that none of you has believed it; what nerve to write such things about me, those brutes - as if I had begged for permission to come here, something I never dreamed of doing. -
I have nothing to do, unfortunately, with the Red Cross; like everything else I was in charge of, it was immediately taken away. Fortunately, Count Ignachev is at its head together with the former one, Illyin, so I am certain it is in good hands, than God.