Imperial Claimants Part .......6

[Janet_W.]

Dearest Anna, forgive me, but I was such a bl---dy success at that pub, singin' me songs, that I totally forgot about our road trip. Give me a few more minutes to pack some power bars and an extra pair of socks and I'll be good to go.

Your Sweetly Forgetful Fellow GD/GP Janet

P.S. How is the bus lavatory these days?        

[area_51]

I just knew that bus ride idea was no good. That's why I called for my sedan-chair.

I suggest though that we do get going quickly or else we might wind up like the missing maid and the lion trick.
Not to worry though dearies, I can always call down a UFO if need be. Ultimately it might be easier.

[NAAOTMA]

Dearie Janet,

Here I am, standing in the cold outside of the bus while a rude man throws my luggage into the underbelly of said bus. There does not seem to be a driver on the bus, it does not have a ladies room at the back as far as I can tell, and I need to remind you that Siberia is far, far away---much too far to use the 7 Eleven loos along the way. And what about the catering? I see a stack of cases of spring water and a huge bag of Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups. That is it? (It is not Lent yet, dearie, so you can do better than spring water.) There do not appear to be enough electrical outlets on board for everyone's various personal appliances. I am strictly speaking for myself, but I do need my electric toothbrush and hairdryer, dearie. Please do try to better our circumstances on this journey, dearie.

Ready to go, but Thelma and Louise had better wheels...caio for now the freezing Baroness vonCRANKYpants and the dear shivering doggies

[Margarita Markovna]

Dearest Anna, forgive me, but I was such a bl---dy success at that pub, singin' me songs, that I totally forgot about our road trip. Give me a few more minutes to pack some power bars and an extra pair of socks and I'll be good to go.

Don't forget bling, that would be outrageous...

[Shvibzik]

I just knew that we shouldn't have shared tissues and thermometers at the sleepover.  Now I'm afraid I can't go on our little roadtrip.

This is not only because I do not feel well, it is also because my nose has swelled to a frightening size and with every tissue it seems to get redder.  But then again, those aren't tissues, for, if you do remember, we used all the tissues and toilet paper at the sleepover.  Now all I have left is the paper napkins, which, quite frankly, kill. :-/

Now the servants have begun to sing "Shvibzik the Red Nosed Claimant" up and down the corridors.

Shaking the palace with every sneeze and drowning in napkins,
Shvibzik      

[Janet_W.]

OK everybody, I'm waitin' just one half hour longer, and then it's all aboard and Siberia or Bust!

Yep, I've been requisitioned to drive this thing, so say yer prayers and hop in, with or without your bling, or the GDs Melissa and Anna are going to stuff me in a cannon and shoot me into Finnland.  

The Newly Burly, No-Nonsense GD/GP Call-Me-"Mac,"-Chewing-On-My- Cigar Janet

[Douglas]

As you all see,  our dear  GD Janet is doing well as a claimant although she does find it difficult to cover up her, well, backwoods  origin.  I sent her to  Debutants School of Imperials but she still has that hayseed tawng.  She's so charming and can even sing a few lines in tune.  I do wish she would upscale her venue.  Bars and honkytonks are not our family idea of upper class.  I understand she bought all of Hank Williams old guitars and glitter outfits.

Sorry to hear our dear  Shvib is feeling out of sorts.  Will GD Anna please send some of her fantiastic cure-all zoop to Shvib this very instant.

Tsar Doug.......smiling all the way to the front gate to greet our dear and loyal subjects.

[NAAOTMA]

TO: Tsar Doug
From: The Baroness vonCrankypants AKA GD Melissa
RE: Bus Trip To Siberia
Date: 2/8/06 (NS)
Via: Imperial Claimant Carrier Pigeon #22

Please do issue an urgent decree that all members of the Imperial Court must be back in Tsarkoe Selo at once. As someone once said in a galaxy far, far away-"you are our only hope" though indeed you are not Obi-Wan Kenobi, but you get my gist.

GD Janet is insisting on smoking cigars as she drives through the countryside. GD Anna insists we stop at every jewelery store along the way. At this rate, we will be permanently pickled in cigar smoke, have nasty coughs from said cigar smoke, and will need a tractortrailer lorry for the ever-expanding GD Anna Bling Collection.

Please dear Tsar, I am begging you: Order Us Home Pronto. The idea of walking back to Tsarkoe Selo through snowdrifts after escaping the bus during yet another Bling Stop is just too terrible to comtemplate---dragging my luggage and the dear doggies behind me through the endless white drifts, stinking of You-Know-Who's cheapo cigars and praying for the Imperial Limo to make a life-saving appearance.

Putting all my faith in you, caio for now the Desperate GD Melissa and the dear doggies

[anna]

Tsar D. and Shivbs dearies,

Of course Dougie dear, my famous cure-all zoop is on its way to darling little Shvibs, how sad she can't come  with us on the bus so take good care of her, little GD's are our old days security.

Shivbs dearie, all GD's here on the bus wish you well and we.......sorry one moment please.........

GD/Janet : WOULD you be so kind to focus your eyes on the road, keep your hands to the steering wheel and leave our Siberian guide alone btw he promised to sit besides moi, Thank you very much.... sigh.......it's always the same with her dearie me .

Shivbs, I'm back...thank you for waiting....what I was saying, yes we have such a lovely time, I brought my balalaika, my furs and blings with me so I couldn't be more happier. Oh, look there goes Area 51 waving at us on her bike, she's racing with alien speed now you see her the next time you don't.
Baroness vonCrankypants is sitting behind me writing love letters to her Baron, we are on the road for half a hour and she misses him already, isn't that romantic.
Well, be a good GD and eat you zoop, I don't want to hear bad things while I'm gone.
Get well soon

Anna  ...taking one for the road

Ps. can you figure out what Tsar D. is going to give me for Valentine's day, does it shine, how many carat? I hope an egg von Fabergé filled with blings

[anna]

Before leaving my secretary Z. Hilariouskaya handed out these singalongs:

Everywhere we go-o (everwhere we go-o)
People wanna know-o (people wanna know-o)
Who we ah-are (who we ah-are)
So we tell them (so we tell them)
We are the Imperial Claimants !!
The mighty-mighty Imperial Claimants !!
NA, na-NA-na-NA, na-NA-na-NA, na-na-NA, na-na-Na. na-Na-na-Na!

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all through Tsarskoe town.
The Blings on the bus goes, Bling, Bling,Bling;
Bling, Bling,Bling;
Bling, Bling,Bling;
The Blings on the bus goes, Bling, Bling,Bling;
all through Tsarskoe town.

The Imperial ladies sing this song,
Doo-da, Doo-da
The Siberian racetrack's two miles long
Oh, de doo-da day
I went down East with my tiara caved in,
Doo-da, doo-da
I came back West with a pocket full of bling
Oh, de doo-da day

Anna.......soprana

[Janet_W.]

GD Anna, Smells Like Claimant Spirit.  

And yes, T.D., I heard you over the bus radio, and of course you are right . . . long before I was singer for an all-girl band, and even before I pushed a taco cart in Tijuana, I was jes' a good ol' country gal. That's when I wuz hitched to Doc Golightly, but somethin' in me jes' hanker'd for the Big City Life . . . an' the rest is history.

Okay, everybody sing along with me:

Moooooooon Riiiiiver
Wiiiiiider than a millllle . . .

Yore lil' cornpone busdriver, hittin' the speed limit an' more--

The GD/GP Janet

[Janet_W.]

Memo to Baroness Von Crankypants and All Other-Bound-Fer-Siberia Busriders

From Yer Busdriver, The GD/GP Janet

What with that thar sing-a-long kar-e-o-ke turned up, Ah's afraid Ah cain't hear yew!

[Janet_W.]

To: Mah Busriders

From: Yer Busdriver

Comin' up, a real Claimant sing-a-long treat, hot dang!

We are the Claimants, my friends
And we'll keep on petitioning
Till the end
We are the Claimants
We are the Claimants
No time for DNA tests
'Cause we are the Claimants of the Realm

[Shvibzik]

Auntie Anna and the poor souls on the bus,

Thank you so much for your symphathies and I give the same to you.

Auntie Anna, thank you so much for the zoop, it was just wonderful, although after I sent my maid to the kitchen to warm it, when it was returned, I swear half was gone.  But it's quite fine, for it seems my taste buds have taken a vacation.

Oh, and you forgot one of the most popular road songs, so I had your secretary, Zoya Hilariouskaya, send you this via pigon:

99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around,
98 bottles of beer on the wall.
...
1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer
Take it down, pass it around,
No more bottles of beer on the wall

It is so long, she had to use a flock of pigons that some people swear blocked out the sun on the way to the bus.

Snuffled with the sniffles,
Shvibzik

[NAAOTMA]

Oh dearie me, cough cough cough...I cannot remember the words to WHEN SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES, which is most appropriate right now in this bus from Hell...we are being subjected to Little Miss Cornpone Driver's musical selections all the live long day, as they say in that DOO DAH song...

Why do some things sound so much better before you actually do them? This bus trip falls into that category.

At this rate, we are going to be away from dear Tsarkoe for Valentine's Day. How will the presents from those who adore us find us west of the Urals and north of the Moon? Perhaps someone could send GD Janet a Faberge Spittoon. She could use one.

caio for now, and missing my dear Baron more than I can say...GD Melissa and the dear doggies

P.S. It's Been A Hard Day's Night, and GD Janet has been driving like a dog...it's been a hard day's night, and there's no ventilation in this bog...but when we get home to you, we know the things that you do will make us feel alright. (Those things are gifts of furs, jewels and objects of virtue, as well as any of Anna's excess rejected bling.)