Imperial Claimants...the 7th Chapter

[Margarita Markovna]

Now with a trumpet playing Tsar.

Do I get another medal/order for the new thread? I think I got schnookered last thread.

[Douglas]

"A Midnight Gathering"


Last night in the palace hall

The claimants gathered for a ball

There were no drums or saxophones

But just the clatter of their bones


A rolling, a  rattling, a carefree circus

Of Princess polkas and  Dukes mazurkas

These Pterodactyls and brontosauruses

Sang ghostly Imperial choruses


Amid the Tsarish wassail

I caught the eye of one old fossil

Cheer up, sad world, he said and winked

It's kind of fun to be extinct

[NAAOTMA]

TO: Anyone Who Will Listen
FROM: GD Melissa, Baroness vonCrankypants the Younger

RE: TRIP FROM HELL
DATE: 2/10/2006 (N.S)

Someone please tell darling Ritka that intellectual pursuits are not worthy of risking one's complexion. One must be lovely first and academically accomplished second. Some of us make that second accomplishment far lower than second on our list, and we have wonderful lives.

Toothpick Betty is zooming along. Soon we meet the former Empress. Hope she has the hotplate on and the samovar bubbling. That is for water for taking a bath, not for tea and cakes, dear ones. Anticipating her arrangements post-marriage has made me vow to be a more attentive Baroness vonCrankypants. I do not want to end up on Oprah pushing a gossipy book to make my way alone in the world. Nor do I care to learn to make tacos and/or jam with the band, as the folksky expression goes. The domestic sphere, complete with running water and lots of staff is where I flourish...

Tonight we are in eastern Siberia, when everyone else who is anyone is in the VIP viewing stand at the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. Perhaps if I remind GD Janet that the Games are loaded with dishy atheletes, she might think about changing direction to a place much more civilized...

Caio for now, as GD Anna scribbles her latest song hits on the back of a paper napkin from the last Fried Chicken Diner we ate dinner at...GD Janet's choice, of course in her pursuit of all things Country...

GD Melissa and the dear doggies

[Margarita Markovna]

Someone please tell darling Ritka that intellectual pursuits are not worthy of risking one's complexion. One must be lovely first and academically accomplished second. Some of us make that second accomplishment far lower than second on our list, and we have wonderful lives.  

This is probably some of the best advice EVER.   What would I do without my Claimant family?

[Janet_W.]

Hey, passengers, will one of you folks pu-leeze open a map? We're gonna drive right by the Ex's place unless I get some help from y'all!

Yer Friendly Bus Driver
The Toothpick Chompin' GD/GP "Missy" Janet

[NAAOTMA]

Dear Little Miss Country AKA Toothpick Betty,

We do not do maps, dearie. That is for chauffeurs and the estate major domo (remember that guy on Dynasty? Between you and me, he really was just a butler.)--we give directions, dear---we do not look them up for the information of others, even for you, dearie.

I am so miserable I would weep if I had any tears left. For now, dreaming of getting off this bus!

I am so glad that our young GDs have been spared this trial, which GD Anna and I agree is tough on one's complexion for starters.

Caio for now, GD Melissa and the dear doggies

[Shvibzik]

GD/Baroness Crankypants Melissa,

Don't judge too quickly, living in the palace with Tsar Doug isn't a peice of cake, either.  Just today he had me accompany him with a duet on his trumpet since when I breath it sounds like a flute.  GD Ritka was our audience, but as we found out at the end, she cleverly stuffed her ears with earplugs.  

All I have to say is, never again.

Wishin' them folks on the bus good luck an' get home soon for the sake of all us,
Shvibzik

P.S. I am sending you a bottle of tear drops so that you can cry again.  American celebrities don't go anywhere without them.

[NAAOTMA]

Thank you--merci beaucoup---mercy buckets---for the vial of tears. Nothing like a Faberge vial of tears to cheer a girl up...personally, I would take a trumpet duet anyday to a strumpet solo, if you get my drift...

Caio for now, GD Melissa the Baroness von(do not forget the von, dearie)Crankypants and the dear doggies

P.S. If Toothpick Betty doesn't do a pit stop soon, I will be the Baroness vonP----pants. How does GD Anna always seem to rise above everyday human needs and be her glowing superhuman self regardless of the circumstances?

[anna]

Melissa dearie,

To rise above everyday human needs and be my glowing superhuman self regardless of the circumstances. -- how very expressive

Take:
A special trés chic Versace Hop on the Bus outfit,
All the blings and fur you can wear,
Sunglasses with THAT special look,
500 ml Miracle Noir facial Mask,
750 ml Dead Sea Massage Oil,
Prada shoes, Gucci handbags,
Your most deadliest perfum - Maroushia.
Push it all in your Louis Vouton travelingbags- I have the special... LV-GD/A-Trunks.

Its also very very handy to take with you the traveling servants- 6pack/ Butler, hairstylist, fan-holder, bodyguard, chauffeur and admirer.

Girlie mark my words follow my advice and you're having the bus trip of your life.

Anna ......traveling super deluxe, first class......with croissants for breakfast

[Janet_W.]

Um, what was that about a strumpet?  

Y'know, I could just keep driving this bus for another 600 versts or so, without any stops what. . .so. . . ever.

Yore All-Seeing All-Hearing GD/GP Bus Driver

P.S. GD Anna, yore having way too much fun. Keep it quiet back thar, and please send yore admirer up to the front of this here bus . . . Ah needs a little masculine companionship right about now.  

[Margarita Markovna]

GD Ritka was our audience, but as we found out at the end, she cleverly stuffed her ears with earplugs.

You would have too. Believe me.

[Douglas]

GD Anna has a lot of good ideas about traveling.  I like her idea of a 6 pack.  I take along a 6 pack also....usually 6 pack of Oranjeboom.  Rex likes it also.

Tsar Doug........ .....on the ice in Torino at the wheel of the Zamboni......

PS:  Next time I'll reveal to all how I met the former Empress. [I understand that the Empress is having a Top Secret correspondence with GD Anna...copies were sent to me last week].  It was on a movie set in Hollywood.......

Also, I'll tell my version of how I was awarded an Oscar by the Motion Picture Academy.......GD Janet  played a part in this event but I'll save that for later........

[NAAOTMA]

Dearies All,

An Imperial Miracle has happened. This morning we stopped for Sunday services at a quaint Siberian monastery en route to our ultimate destination. GD Janet went into church a Miss Redneckette and came out as demure as the immortal Audrey Hepburn. Somewhere between the first hymn and the last, our dear GD Janet vanished, and then reappeared in a Chanel suit, a triple strand pearl necklace, court pumps and matching clutch handbag. Her hair is in an elegant French twist, with a pillbox hat to match the suit/winter coat ensemble. She no longer smells like an ashtray, there are no icky toothpicks, the bus smells sweet like Parma Violets, and the picnic lunch was delicious with champagne and pate for starters. This trip to Siberia is looking up. No longer a strumpet, but a true trumpet swan is our dear GD Janet. Is she getting ready for Lent? Has her upbringing come forth in ladylike splendor? Does she want a big favor from the Empress? Only time will tell, but just call us a jolly little party as we whizz through the Urals, GD Anna strumming her ukelele as we past the verst posts.

Caio for now, GD Melissa and the dear doggies

[Janet_W.]

Dearest, Darling Imperial Claimants:

Here we are, cruising through the lovely Russian steppes of Siberia, in our enchanting transportation, just about to reach our marvelous destination. In addition, I am delighted to inform you that I am no longer under the spell of those nasty mean reds and in fact look forward to our breakfast with Tiffany (for that is, indeed, the name of TD's former empress, is it not?) in the twinkle of an eye.

GD Melissa has just given me the most delightful Givenchy pillbox hat . . . a perfect match to my big round sunglasses--which, I understand, are about to make a fashion comback. So at this juncture I wish to say that my funny face is properly adorned, we are all enjoying our Roman holiday, with less war and more peace and an absence of charade, plus looking forward to seeing TD's fair lady in her green mansions, aaaannnnnd . . .   at some point I hope to find love in the afternoon with GD Anna's admirer, tho' perhaps I will have to wait until dark when we can become two for the road so that my life will cease being a nun's story. (Whether I am among the unforgiven, of course, is another matter . . . perhaps I will needs learn how to steal a million.)

Well, a girl can't completely transform herself in a few hours, now can she?  

The GD/GP Janet Hepburn

[Margarita Markovna]

[glb]Urgent[/glb]

Rescue GD Ritka from the snow. It's piling up and I can't even open the door.