TO: All the Members of the Imperial Assembly
Tsar Doug
GDs, GPs, Courtesans, Courtiers, The Wizard of Oz,
Dorothy, etc etc
Greetings my most beloved one and all!
The story that I am about to reveal while being most incredible is undeniably true. Things as strange as my own story are well beyond the range of fiction. Indeed a truth has been told when it was said that TRUTH is stranger than fiction.
I stand before your Imerial Highnesses and I declare to one and all: I am Her Imperial Highness ANR, Grand Duchess of All Russia, Area 51 and Eastern Roswell. Indeed and in truth I am the Last Grand Duchess of Old Imperial Russia!
The story you are about to hear is quite disturbing and at times for me unbearable. I shall attempt to put things into as much chronological sense as I can and with a sense of direct brevity.
My saga begins that fateful July evening in the basement. Once they were finished with us, we were all loaded on the carts in the forecourt to be taken to our ultimate disposal. By the cover of night we were taken to the deep recesses of the forest. A particular soldier (whose name I am obliged to conceal for obvious reasons) stood guard over my cart. While at his station in the dark of night he was given the gift of immortality having been bitten by an illustrious vampire. His transformation was accomplished in what seemed but only an instant.
I lay there unbeknownst to all barely clinging to life as the red issue flowed from my motionless body. He took pity on me, or was he just hungry? The soldier quietly yet swiftly bent over me and gave me in turn the gift of immortality in one quick and painless bite. We both escaped that wretched place under the cover of darkness illuminated only by the light of the full moon.
I was taken to America where I was told I would be safe. The Red Army Militia certainly would hunt for me if they knew I was missing and where to find me. To protect me I was secreted away first to Roswell and shortly thereafter conveyed to the inner depths of Area 51 where I was assured anominity and a new identity.
First I went through a series of plastic surgeries in an attempt to conceal my features. After dozens of surgeries I awoke in the recovery room only to discover that my gender had also be reassigned since they would not be looking for a member of the other sex. It seems that at that same time investigations and experiments were going on in Area 51 concerning the nature of extraterrestrials.
The aliens there took pity upon me. They could not imagine the last surviving Grand Duchess having been subjected to such indignities, albeit well intentioned, and they decided to abduct me aboard one of their commuter ships heading for Venus.
Once aboard I was subject to alien examinations and scientific studies. The result of which I was transformed into a neuter gendered full fledged alien and presented on Venus to Her Serene Highness, Zsa Zsa Gabor - The Queen of Outer Space!
Her Highness Zsa Zsa determined that I was a wee bit too short and would be conspicuous there on a planet of Amazons and I was returned to Area 51 where I "could live out my life" in peace and quiet. The only problem was that noone realised that I had become immortal in the forrest.
The fellows at NASA were never to be trusted and were in league with the remnants of the Red Militia and the KGB. Indeed that is why to this day I am completely loathsome to the color red and have great aversions to anyone who wears red or speaks in such terms.
Once the abductions became commonplace at Area 51 I was able to secret myself out of that place, eventually abled to step foot in the world at large. The times had changed and the thought of "aliens amongst us" was in a more favorable climate.
I know this all seems at the very least odd to you all. I must explain that the Anna woman was a KGB spy sent out by the Red Militia in an attempt to mimic the known part of my story and attempt to steal my inheritance. Yes, the soldier story was also immitated but he having given me immortality has since moved on to "other dimensions" and this would also explain why I am still around after all these years in hiding.
Of course they all did a wonderful job of making sure that I would never have normal DNA for comparrisons or any ears to check against old photos. BUT I do know ALL the secrets of the Palace. The good gentlemen at 1 800 LAWYER have assured me, having seen all the evidence, that my claim is real and that we will persue and obtain the fammily fortune.
At this time I have no real need of such things having obtained my own fame and fortune in intergalactic trade. It is my intention to use the family fortunes once obtained to remodel my ancestral home setting up LARGE endowments for all my dear nieces and Tsar Doug as well as all legitimate claimants.
I hope I have explained myself fully. I am sure you will all have many questions for me. I just wanted to also add that through all the physical transformations that I endured I no longer have a desire for human feeding. I am well beyond that, so your necks are safe with me. The only red fluid I have a taste for these days is a good red wine from the Imperial Cellars. In fact, that is the only red item I can handle outside of my extensive collection of Neptunian rubies.
I hope I haven't shocked anyone by such a story. My claims are real and being played out in the courts. I am taking applications at this time for any GD of substantial claims who might share in the family coffers and assist me in the Imperial Finishing School that I am currently setting up.
Lastly I wish to add that "those people" featured on the thread "Gigantic Laugh" are also plants of the Red Army Militia, having obtained intelligence of my activities in Area 51 and again out to discredit me. THEY ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED!!!
