The 8th Thread For Imperial Claimants

[Janet_W.]

My Dearest Tsar Doug:

I don't care whether you wear that "skirt thingy" (a kilt, T.D., a kilt) or AXE (which I will not axe about) or just roller blades and a hula hoop while smoking a Daniel Webster cee-gar. Here is what I care about: the comment on this board that you and I and GD Anna and all the others do not exist. And that if we should pursue the matter . . . . well, here is a direct quote: " . . . if anyone did claim now , they must have a srew loose."

I assure you, T.D., I do NOT have a srew loose. Nor do you, I imagine. At least, it is to be hoped.

The GD/GP Janet, with all her srews definitely in place

[Douglas]

My most dear GD Janet and imperial courtiers of the realms:

That quote from your previous report is most hilarious.  I say all kinds of weird things.  After I had some schnapps I said the moon is made of cheese.  So what?  I'm the Tsar and I don't give a darn what anyone thinks of the way I hold my teacup.   I'm the Tsar and I don't care.  Get used to it.  Beside that, all of the population of Russia is very sympathetic to my plight because I have to put up with weird in-laws and all of the GDs.  Yeah, the GDs are so loveable, yata, yata....yata. 

I know, I know, the GDs are the very epitome of grace and grandeur but who cares except the papparazzi and the credit card companies.

 I plan on making Britney a GD.  How's that,  ladies?  Now you all have a new GD sister.  I know she's been the burnt toast of the town but don't ya'll think she adds some class to the Imperial family? 

Tsar Douglas.........casting about for something to vlog about.

[anna]

My Dearest Tsar Doug:

I don't care whether you wear that "skirt thingy" (a kilt, T.D., a kilt) or AXE (which I will not axe about) or just roller blades and a hula hoop while smoking a Daniel Webster cee-gar. Here is what I care about: the comment on this board that you and I and GD Anna and all the others do not exist. And that if we should pursue the matter . . . . well, here is a direct quote: " . . . if anyone did claim now , they must have a srew loose."

I assure you, T.D., I do NOT have a srew loose. Nor do you, I imagine. At least, it is to be hoped.

The GD/GP Janet, with all her srews definitely in place

GD Janet dearie,

"I'd promised not to speak before my exclusive interview with that reporter from the Tsarskoe Daily, but have to react on the comment  "We claimants do not exist"

What nonsense!!! I'm walking evidence, I was lost and found but very much alive, thank you very much!!!!!! What more proof do we need?

Okay after my disappearance I'm wearing a man's tie, so did George Sand and Greta Garbo (we famous trendsetters endured and suffered a lot before the rest of the sheep followed) and my dear friend Sigi Freud prescribed me red M&Ms, but I do not have a srew loose.
I've plenty of other srews and it's a natural reaction after being vanished for a long time.

Tsar Doug dearie:
Don't you dare yata about Britney as GD sister. I think GD Janet will support me it's your Aye against our Nay!
We might have a "srew loose" as they say but are not "brain loose".

GD Anna.........Oops I did it again.

[Douglas]

Yes,, we do know that the GDs are fashion mavens but a ball gown made of beer can pop tops?.  First the tie for Anna and now the pop top gown.  What next....duct tape and Saran Wrap.?

Oh, vell,

Tsar Douglas.........always dressed in white......symbolic of my purity.  If the Pope can wear red shoes, so can I.   I wear his red hat too.....so what if I look like a pimp.

[Janet_W.]

Dear Darling GD Anna,

So very glad to know that neither you nor I have a srew loose. And love the idea of the man's tie. I hope your other accessories include a Fedora, a gold watch on a chain, and a case filled with aromatic cigars.

Also, agreed . . . Ix-Nay on the Brit-ney.

The GD/GP "Georges" Janet


Dear Your Holiness T.D.,

First, see above.

Second, I think red shoes and hat with white is just a tad too garish for July, not to mention August. I'd sooner see you wearing leather and spangles like Trigger the Wonder Horse.

As for duct tape and Saran Wrap . . . no, but I do have a duck outfit to compliment GD Anna's swan wrap outfit. Will that pass muster? (And no, I am not asking you about the effects Grey Poupon has on your digestive system. Eeeiiuuuu.)

The GD/GP "Pimp My Wardrobe" Janet

[Valmont]

Dear Claimants,
I have come out of my 2 year vacation trip around the world due to a personal comment made by my personal secretary. I think he heard it from Zoya Hilaroiskaya at the Court's cafeteria. WHO DARES TO SAY I, THE GRATEST TSAR (since the Russian revolution) DO NOT EXIST??..
Well.. to that "commoner" who said that.. Here is my answer... "It is YOU who DO NOT EXIST" As Tsar of all Russias & Punta Azul, I hereby declare that I refuse to acknowledge your existence... Thank you very much..

Now, to more important matters, my dear family, please do not think i was neglecting you, I just happend to have forgotten to mail the invitations to my 2 year vacation trip around the world (or was it around the block???) oh well, . I hope you did not take it the wrong way... Seems like poor Britney did not take it very well when she found out. I heard Douglas "forgot" to hide his shaving machine while she was visiting him at his hair parlor....the rest is tabloids history. Although, she started to get better after I told her that if she put herself together, i would take her alone in my next vacation (without KF, of course !!).. but of course, I would have to ask you my dear nieces, I know for a fact she likes to "steal camera" and be the center of the paparazzi everwhere she goes, so I would not like my trip to became "the war of the tabloid queens",  and don't tell me I am making up stories. i heard GD Jannet, locked herself in the bathroom (but forgot to tip the paparazzi about it) and GD Anna is about to give a secret interview, tipping the media like two months in advance. so that sets the score.. GD ANNA - 1 : GD JANNET - 0...

The "He's alive !!!" Tsar Valmont

[Douglas]

Hi there Mr Tsar Valmont.  Good to see ya.
  BTW, I am doing some experiments in my laboratory.
 It seems that Prince Albert II the current 'king' of the miniature state of Monaco is scheduled to be married in September.  The lady he is marrying looks awfully muscle strong for a female.  Is she a Body builder?  I don't know but I do wonder about these things.
  Albert is 50 years old and has two lovely children by various airplane attendants he met whilst on his flying trips.  You hardly ever see him these days....he's hiding in a closet at his palace I suppose.  I say to Al, come out thou king of Monaco and face your loyal subjects.  His sister recently spent millions to open a restaurant just below the palace.  Is the food any good?  The GD's and I will try it the next time we're in the south of France Area.

Ta..ta...back to the lab. I  have some test tubes to wash and refill.  Then they go in the deep freeze.  They're for sale for any interested parties.  Not too expensive though.

Tsar Douglas........always concerned about the important things of the realms.........

[Valmont]

Doug,
Nice to hear you are in the Popsicles bussines. I can almost see you will be a smash this summer. I heard it will be really hot.., you know all the stuff one reads in the newspapers about the climate changes & global warming. i must confess thou, it has sent my electricity bill  sky rocket. It is really expensive to cool Valmosntsky to a nice comfortable temperature, no matter if it is right by the see.. BTW, were you at the beach yesterday? I could almost swear I saw from the pool balcony a Popsicle salesmen walking down the beach who look remarkably close like you..
Anyway, I did not know Albert was getting married.... I could almost bet my entire palace (except the pool area, which I love ) that he would die a bachelor, although that body builder bride story somehow makes some sense in the back of my mind...Oh,and do not bother going to the restaurant at palace hill, I was there at opening night and you have no idea how I longed for a "Caviar taco a la Jannet". OK, I'll let you go now, you better keep those Popsicles ruining.. Sunday promisses to be a big day !!..

The "Climate aware" Tsar Valmont
Going green now (and not of anvy)...

[Douglas]

Dearest Claimants and all Facebook royals:

I just discovered this new site called MyFace on the Interent.  Cool huh?  I think I'll sign up and then we can all be in close and intimate contact with millions of our loyal and royal subjects, verbs and nouns.

All the GDs are welcome and we can have a great songsteress Anna do up some songs we can embed on the page and GD Janet a la Eveylyn Waugh , can write some prose and stuff that has culture written all over it.  She could even write some spicy lines from Dorothy Parkeresque jingoisms.

Oh, oncle Val, you can pose for pics in your life saver pool boy outfit and the cabana loungers can be so envious of your Punta Azul tan.

Tsar Douglas.....getting set film the latest installment of Little Palace on the Tundra.

[anna]

Tsar Doug and other Royal dearies,

T.D. how come you have such excellent ideas, is it because you snore? Zoya Hilariouskaya got a letter from a commoner asking if you snored?
How should I know, it would of course explain why my balcony came down and the weekly repairs of the palace roof.

Your idea of displaying the family on MyFace is great, though you must understand GD Janet and I can't be in "close and intimate contact with millions of loyal subjects".....it's not done....there must be a distant and there's only place for royal subjects on our dance card.

Wouldn't it be cool to make a reality soap like the Osbournes? They are as royal as my shoemaker, but everyday on tv making good money.

I love to have a role in "Little Palace on the Tundra" but I'm not taking the Ma part untill I know who's playing Pa!

Uncle Valmont is earning a living....to finance his trips around the world....as a scriptwriter nowadays, so he send me two filmscripts:
"Tsar Wars" and "The barefoot Grand Duchess".

I'm not sure but they sound so very familiar.......

GD Anna........once a spy always a spy

 

[Valmont]

Anna dearest,
It is so nice that you wrote as I am planning a weekend at Valmonstky with one of the few royal available in the world right now. (And I'm not talking about Tsar Douglas). I invited him over in the French Royals thread. i really do not know what royal house he belongs to but if he's half the royal he says he is, it will make an equal marriage for you or GD/GP Janet. I know you both have not consider a marriage so far, but you can either cut cards or flip a coin for him. On the other hand, I forgot to sent you "Russian Holliday", "All about Grand duchess Anna" and "Whatever happened to GD/GP Janet".. They are even better.. just wait until you read them...I am working on my last one called "Who's afraid of Tsar Doug".. I smell a masterpiece here....

The "20th Century Tsar" Valmont

[Douglas]

I know GD Anna, but when they see you on Facebook your subjects can hug the computer.  How's that for intimate contact?   When I see Paris or Britney on the computer I kiss the screen and vomit.  It's all just a part of our Imperial lifestyle.  I never want to see either one of them getting out of a car again.   Pleeeze.

As for the GD Anna being in Tsar Wars?  Well, she could play a singer in the bistro cabaret.  Or Anna could be Jar Jar Binks girlfriend.  Wowza....we all are gonna die.....  BTW, I write all the script except for Tsar Vals lines.  That is because I don't ever write comedy horror scenes. 

Looks like I have to be with the French royals now.  Why,  I do not know.  But I don't want to loose my head over it like that last one did.  I saw it in a movie.  Dreadful and such a nice lady.   What  with her cakes, and coffee parties.

I see that Anna is off to having a grand time in Russia very soon.  I am sure she is all  set with new luggage and those little dots for her face.  I do understand that she'll be in some sort of disguise most of the time.  I think she is going as Josephine Baker  of the jazz age.  I should go as  ?     Any ideas?. 

Tsar Douglas

[anna]

Yep, this GD is ready to go on a 10 days inspection tour of all our palaces. I will start at Moscow, tour the Golden Ring... a few old towns and villages, let my hand kissed by commoners... then all the way up to our home town St. Petersburg to check what's going on at Tsarskoe (when the tsar is gone all servants dance on the table).
I will do the work as usual while the rest of the familly party at the Côte d'Azure.

Zoya Hilariouskaya will accompany me as chaperone (that's what she thinks she is....LOL) well, I need someone to cary my trunks, call a cab, you know what maids do. I mean, carrying my jewel- and beauty-case all by myself is really too much for a GD.
I will do the work as usual while the rest of the familly party at the Côte d'Azure.

I haven't decide on my disguise yet, Josephine Baker is one of my favorites, I have to check the Russian weather forecast only wearing bananas can be a bit chilly on the other hand my Lady in Red disguise was a real hit in Holland.
I already bought my souvenirs for each family member at the shop around the corner so not to forget my dearies, ain't that sweet.

Uncle Valmont:

Thanks for playing the matchmaker, but GD Janet can have the French royal is she wants, I go for a Grand Duke whilst I'm in Russia...their jewels are much more valuable than the French and I have to think of my old day.

GD Anna.........ready to go.

[Douglas]

August 10, Imperial Year 2008 and don't be late

Tsar Val is currently doing the rest treatment at a spa in Baden  Baden....I think that is in some foreign city somewhere in Europa.  Not sure.  I didn't do too well in my geography studies.   But I do know where the local candy store is.   It's just over there yonder by the town hall.  When I go there all the people say, "There's the Tsar, we call him the Candy Man."   Stuff like that.

 Our  little town here of Tsarskoe Selo is like a ghetto for royals from all over.   You can get all the things royals need.  I sent the cook out to get some special bread and milk.  I like sourdough bread with butter.  What do you like for breakfast? 

 We're out of the Brazilian coffee  I like.  Dreadful.  If anyone is coming from Brazil today, please bring us some.  You can even have your photo taken in the palace with me.  I'll let you sit on the throne for your picture.  How could anyone resist such an offer?

Tsar Douglas.........just glad that 8-8-8 is over.

[Zecharia]

Baden Baden is located west of Stuttgart and south-west of Karsluhe, not too far from France border.

http://www.baden-baden.de/en/index.html

http://www.multimap.com/