The 8th Thread For Imperial Claimants

[Janet_W.]

Dear Lord Robert, thank you ever so for your understanding. Yes, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have . . . oh h-e-double toothpicks, what bolshoi. 

Then you approve of Brawley? Oh thank you, kind sir! Can we expect you and your entourage for opening night?

A thousand thanks for the proposed loan of the canary yellow and raspberry suede shoes, but they really really MUST be blue. However, if you have an extra basset hound or two perhaps you could FedEx them?

Believe me sir, I am, as represented, merely an impoverished but Highly Genteel GD/GP Imperial Claimant trying to make her way through this Life of Sorrows . . .

The GD/GP Elvisina

[Douglas]

My Dear Lord Robert:

Please be advised that the Imperial court has a long and winding path of historical dunnage in the case of one Imperial Claimant,  her most imperial highness the GD/GP Janet.  Let alone a flock of other royal bluebirds.

You merely mention diamonds, suede shoes, spike heels and she goes absolutely, pardon my language, nuts.

Oh yes, there are her tears and tales of sorrows.  We heard it all before.  Now she desires to decamp to that God forsaken desert ghost town of Brawley.  The honky tonks, the saloons and such are  a delight to her.  Next she'll be chanteusing night and day in some beer besotten taven of ill repute.

My old friend Death Valley Scotty was a constant habitue of such places whenever his gold mine struck it rich.  Ah, the motherload.   He was even able to build a grand castle in the middle of that valley of death and live in the style of a potentate extraorinaire.  I really never knew where he got the money to build it.  He said it came from a gold mine.  Hmm...really?  More like insurance fraud.

Anyway, don't worry about blackmail and Liberaces' used diamond capes.  We can loan them to GD Janet for her next show.  Just watch where she leaves them backstage.
The T'ang Emperor would love to have them for his concubines.  I won't hear of it.

Tsar..Douglas....that's my story and you can take that to the Manufacturers Hanover Bank......Are they in default?.  If they are, try the one next door.


 

[Robert_Hall]

Well, dear Tsar, I did not exactly say I am enamoured of Brawley, but it did make Tiajuana look  good, at the time of our brief exile. Some might say "on the lam" And I agree, I am not quite sure  just how far a beer hall  GD Elvis impersonator will fly in that rather odd  burg of a town.  Be that as it may, I do wish the lovely GD/GP  Janet well in her aspirations.  And not to worry, the rhinestone cape is not on offer, I  keep that for my own special occasions, like shopping at Safeway.  Always clears the aisles.  My offer is for spare bits & bobs.
 Ah yes,  old Scotty and his castle. I do recall the  dear, much loved, departed Emperor Norton  and he had some sort of conflict,  going to fisticuffs at one point.  This apparently riled the Emperor so much he actually drew his sabre ! This was a very rare occurrence, as he  so rarely raised a hand in anger.  Scotty, however, was well known as  a belligerent and violent , hmm, drunk. In  this Court at least. He was hauled off of more beer hall floors than I have ever been [and I deny all those nasty accusations]
 The T'ang Emperor in exile, alas has no  concubines {I am not quite sure what those lads are called} yet he demands I  keep up the appearance of Imperial Dignity.  This can become so tiresome, as it is difficult to haul all of this stuff around on a public bus! Remember, the staff, including my beloved driver, are on strike at the moment.

[Douglas]

The term for the male concubine is 'concubinus'.  I hear they are everywhere in St. Peters town these days.  They even loiter about the gates of the palace.  Oh well, I do have the cook take them some of the leftover lobster and salmon.  They  prefer the best food and such.  Back when I was in movies I always ate lunch at the studiio canteen.  I had the typical Hollywood lunch in those days:..tuna san, ice tea, chips, dill pickle on the side.  Then it was back to work on the set. 

On the set I always used my cinnimon mints for the love scenes.  After work I had to be home not too late as the iceman would deliver a block and I didn't want it to melt before I could get it in the refer.

I do hear that GD Anna is all safe and back to her schloss.  I don't know but she is thinking of re-occupying her family estate in upper Bolavia.  I know all about that because we did that movie sensation called Mr. Blondie Builds His Dream House.   Something like that.  That was years ago.  Now a days we gentrify old town here in Tsarskoe Selo and the locals love it.  I sold two palaces the other day to the new metros  in town.   

The GD Janet is opening a something also.  Not sure just what it is but I do know that the idea of a diamond studded door was a bit over the top.

Tsar D...........always diving in the deep end of the pool

[Robert_Hall]

Is THAT what they are called?  I was wondering what the proper term is.  The Emperor T'ang in exile imports his from such exotic  locales as West Virginia and Ohio. Charming lads, but I personally am unimpressed. And yes, they do eat well, do they not?
Although I dislike "trade", so common, I did sell  my southern palace some time ago. It was  sitting there unused, and draining resources. We sold it to  some members of the Pahlavi court in exile. And I am involved in a very exclusive and private guest house in  the countryside of Englad.  Our clients are very carefully vetted before  being allowed to even get directions.  Most of them have  very good reasons for  needing a  private, exclusive and hidden place to stay for a while, usually until they can leave the country.
 And what a coincidence, I too, when much younger, also was in the Hollywood film industry for a bit.  Although I suspect my roleswere not quite the same as yours.  I think they might actually verged on the illegal. Did not require a lot of acting talent. Actually  very little dialogue. That career was very short lived  but I was experimenting my way through life at the time.
 I am always looking for the next adventure, before I even finish the current one.
 Off to select the silk brocades for the new imperial bedroom.
 Cheers,
 HRH Lord Robert

[Janet_W.]

Dear dear T.D.  Of course I am interested in my financial security. We Imperial Claimants must think of our future, and after all I have spent so much of my life out there in the trenches . . . so now it is time to rake it all in, so to speak. 

Anyway, must dash to practice one of my numbers. I'm ready with my Elvis medley and the Peggy Dayton fishtail has been fitted . . . now all I need to do is memorize the following:

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, / But diamonds are a girl's best friend. / A kiss may be grand, but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat. / Or help you at the automat. / Men grow cold as girls grow old, and we all lose our charm in the end. / But square-cut or pear-shaped, these rocks won't lost their shape. / Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Once I'm clear on the concept I'm sure I'll have no problem.

The Multiple-Personalitied GD/GP Janet

[Douglas]

Dearest  GD janet and claimants all:

Ever since there was the killing of the maltese falcon over at that film set on sunset blvd., I have seen to it that your diamonds are your ace in the hole.  I know you're in a tight spot,  spiced with a touch of evil and that your maid Gilda and you were only strangers on the train that usually goes all the way south to Key Largo.  Now it goes as far south as Key West, the palacial home of  Junior.

Due to the many hurricanes in the region these summer days, I have sought double indemnity with the recent rumors about Count Robert when he was displaying  the big knife last Thanksgiving. It was just a little dinnner party for   that person we usually call jail bait. 

You know where of I do speak.  GD Anna is always lurking around with the hunter of the night and was actually a witness to murder when her secretary Zelda H. had no shadow of a doubt about the true intent of that nortorious gardener she met at the palace in Tsarskoe Selo last week. She finally got the big sleep, that she so much needed, when she returned to her schloss and  she read in the papers about  the file on Thelma Jordan who always writes such trash about us royals. 

That's why your quest for diamonds and your clever lyrics were such a torment to scarface  AKA Count M. 

Tsar Douglas...........Am I ready for my closeup........always.

[Robert_Hall]

I regret to announce that the Emperor T'ang in exile, etc.  and I are not speaking  at the moment, he does throw tantrums now & then. It will pass, I still control the check book and credit cards. He will have to cut back on the party boys, however. Sadly the work stoppage continues at the Forbidden City-in exile.  In the meantime, I have been offered the post of  yet another chancellery, some obscure "istan" country I had never heard of. Whilst visiting the Ottoman Court, I shall  look further into the prospect. {do I have to actually go there?} Also, look for a possible palace; I have always been interested in the one with the Baccarat stair case and I understand it is vacant. Should go for a bargain.
 I have also asked a world famous entertainer to perform at my upcoming birthday fest in London. I will not name him, for fear of attracting mobs of his devoted fans. But a hint would be A Santa Monica beach.  I understand  he will accept. What joy! I briefly considering  GD/GP Janet as an opening  act, but  Elvis is just so common and attracts the wrong sort of people. Now, if she could manage Judy Garland, that might be better for my  set.
  This is the latest from the Imperial Court in Exile of the Forbidden City.
 Cheers,
 Lord Robert [HRH]

[Douglas]

Please accept my more sincere and humble obeisances Lord Robert.  I keep referring to you as a Count and I do now remember that when you did so graciously apply to the Imperial court you paid the correct amount duly required of the title 'Lord'.  I think that the Count title costs 25 cents and Lord is 42 Cents.   I checked the books and sure enough, your 42 Cents is recorded for all time and eternity. 

 Tsar title is 99 Cents.  I paid for that out of my Screen Actors pension.  There is even a store called the 99 Cents Store where you can get some good bargains.  They would be smart to sell royal titles there also.  A lot of people would snap them up in a minute. 

How about Judy and George performing at your gala?  I'll ask them. 

Tsar Douglas............"I got my gal at the five and ten cent store".....there's been a lot of inflation since I sang that song in the movies.

 

[Robert_Hall]

Count is perfectly  fine and correct as well. I am a Count in the Imperial Court of San Francisco, but I rarely use it. Actually, I attend only the most functions of that court and  rarely have much to do with them otherwise.
 Dear JUdy would be hard to come by, I am afraid, as she is long dead. I would have to settle for an impersonator and I am quite familiar with quite a few of those. Oh dear, I dd not mention dear George, did I?  It must be just a rumor We are simply  just close friends At least the location of the festivies are still secert, safely guarded.
 MY, your fees are certainly, hmmm, reasonable. I could have got away with far than buckets of rubies, saphires and emeralds? Oh well, mere  baubles here at the Court of the Forbidden City in exile.
 Cherrs,
 HRH, Lord [or count] Robert

[Douglas]

Well, yes, the monetary fees of the Imperial court are kinda silly but the tribute they require in precious stones and metals is indeed a king's ramsom.  By the way, now that I have you on the phone, did you find those diamonds?   I notice that there is a big vault specially built at the Imperial Treasury that says, " Lord Roberts Family Jewels".  It's currently very empty and dusty'

A Judy impersonator is fine but no Elvis please.  I'll do one of my tap routines and GD Jane will do her light patter routine.  Very funny and a bit risque, Mom's Mabley style.  She does this in blackface.   I know, it's not PC but what can I do.

Tsar Douglas...............I'm going to ask that the Treasury raise their fees a bit.  Isn't 99 cents a bit low to have a Tsar title?

[Robert_Hall]

What a coincidence you ask about the diamonds, TD.  Yes, they have indeed arrived. It was a bit tricky collecting them, as there are "special circumstances" as to their origins and transport.  Personally, I thought it a bit foolish to hide them under layers of parsnips from Arkansas, and one official  did became a tiny bit suspicious, but a handfull  calm his qualms quickly. They are all, crates of them, no less than one carat.  The Imperial Jewelers are inspecting and sorting them now.  The Emperor T'ang exile and I are still not speaking and frankly, I am tired of his pouting emails, so I am witholding his allowance of diamonds until he comes around. However, your bucket shall be on it's way shortly.
 Your vaults are empty! What sadness. What has happened to the   first buckets I presented to you? Do not tell me the GD/GP Janet has absconded with them.  Not to worry. We have gems of every  size and colours at your want. Not to mention mountains of Lapis and malachite.    We over-ordered a bit when  remodeling the Imperial Bathroom.  A pity about the real mountains, yet beauty defies progress, does it not? As I recall, we also have loads of Amber, but I forget what that was supposed to go into.
 The strike continues.  Almost distressing.  I am prepared to offer a 50% pay rise, yet,  the Emperor T'ang-in exile is lost in his cloud of incense and does not respond to reason.
 With best wishes, I remain,
 HRH Lord Robert of the Forbidden City in exile [and possible  Grand Duck of Tragicistan]

[Janet_W.]

Dear Lord Robert:

If it's braids, blue-checked gingham and a Cairn terrier in a hamper that you want, then it's braids, blue-checked gingham and a Cairn terrier in a hamper you shall get.

I can also dance in an abbreviated tux and sing "The Grand Duke That Got Away."

The GD/GP "Born In A Trunk" Janet

P.S. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain; I do not (repeat, do not) do blackface. At least not since my days as a dress extra on the Holiday Inn "Abraham" number.

[Robert_Hall]

My dear GD/GP Janet
  The Holiday Inn!  What heights you have indeed achieved.
 As for the Judy act, ditch the dog and grab your bell, the Trolley  song is one of my favourites of all time.  I actually prefer that whole look over all the others. If you are interested in preforming in a rather exclusive  restaurant in London, owned and operated by 2  [shady] Italian friends of mine, have your agent contact us.  We normally  avoid payments in cash or cheque, too easy to trace, so  rather pay such fees in goods. Diamonds  come in quite handy, but other gemstones are  quite good as well. You may select from our catalogue of Imperial and Royal  jewels [replicas] collections, or the loose stones and be left to your own devices. If you choose frome the catalogue,  simply check any  book on  royal/imperial jewels. All stones are, of course authentic, but the Faberge is a bit "iffy"
 The Emperor T'ang-in exile has become so befogged in his insence and Compari stupor,  he is incapable of much of anything. I should have noticed when surveying the  liqour store invoices. I noticed a rise in Drambuie use as well. As a result, we have taken the huge responsibility of a Regency of the T'ang Court of the Forbidden City-in exile. Along with our other offices and duties, we hare heavily burdened, but capable of the task. Our first  acts is to resolve this blasted strike. It must be resolved before I leave for the  Ottomans in Istanbul and possible negotiations with Tragicistan
 Highest regards,
 HRH Lord Robert, Chacellor, Regent, Count, etc......

[Janet_W.]

Bring on the shady Italians and c'mon everybody, sing!

"Clang ,clang, clang went the trolley
Ding, ding, ding went the bell
Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings as we started for Huntington Dell.
Chug, chug, chug went the motor
Bump, bump, bump went the brake
Thump, thump, thump went my heartstrings as we glided for Huntington Lake.
The day was bright, the air was sweet
The smell of honeysuckle charmed me off my feet
I tried to sing, but couldn't squeak
In fact I felt so good I couldn't even speak
Buzz, buzz, buzz went the buzzer
Time to all disembark,
Time to fall went my heartstrings as we got off at Huntington Park
As we got off at Huntington Park."