The 8th Thread For Imperial Claimants

[Douglas]

I do believe an imposter posted that nonsense about Miss Sandwich and her pita bread thing she calls a 'sandwich'.  You have to be very carefeful that claimant wannabes don't hack your account and make mischief.

So, what was that,  GD Janet,  you were saying about your Vespa scooting you off to hear the Madame from Alaska?  Of course her winking was very presidential and dignified.

 So now, when ambassadors come to the palace to pay their respects ,  I make sure that I wink at them.  Royal protocol is always changing for the better.

Tsar Doug........((wink...wink))

[Robert_Hall]

I have been winking at foreign ambassadors for years, I should have you know. Amazing what it does for certain "foreign relations", if you know what I mean.  Our Imperial coffers have not been filling themselves, after all.
 In other matters afoot, we have been reluctantly forced to place the  befogged Emperor T'ang in exile to rehab, for 3 months no less. Sadly, I shall not be here to  authorise release until  sometime  next year. So, he will remain in remedial custody for some time yet.  These things do come to pass. Vespas ? Mysterious paintings? what trivia does the  Court of Tsar Douglas bother with, we wonder?
 Our latest adventure was  trying out a substitute for the Rolls  to demonstarte our  consolidaririty with the common filk. We tried a Mazerrati [or whatever it was called].  Did not work well, we are afraid. Ourt beloved driver   seemed to have mis-calculated on Lombard Street and made a leisurely ride down  "the crookedsest street'  a rather daring flight downhill.  Must say it was exciting, the views enormous and ou guests were indeed impressed, if shaken. It was a tight squeezee to begin with, but we all became much closer during the event . Tjose of us who could still walk, that is.
  Cheers, from the
 HRH LOrd Robert,  Absolute Regent of the Imperial Court of the Forbidden City-in exile.

 

[Janet_W.]

Dear Lord Robert Sixpack:

Yah sure you bettcha I know what you mean, and frankly, Lord R, we don't cotten to that kinda thang up here in Tsarkoe's Klondike Country.


Dear Tsar Doug Sixpack:

Wink wink yourself. 'sides, I know all about them Alaskans 'cause on a clear day you can seem 'em from Kamchatka.


The GD/GP Gotta-Get-Me-A-Polar-Bar-to-Field-Dress Janet

[Janet_W.]

Oh, excuse me. Must've been puttin' on my lipstick when I wrote about "seem" when I meant to say "see." Though it's true some of their seams could use some fixin'.

[Douglas]

Lord Robert so correctly reminds us that the Tsar is overly concerned with trivia.    Speaking of  trivia, lets move on to the next topic.

I just received a note from the Tsarskoe Selo Imperial Trust and Bank.  This was in respose to my confidential request for a fourteenth mortgage on the Alexander.
Well, they sent their snooty investigator with his snoopy nose.  Even my very proper wink didn't work.

The bank turned me down flat.  Can you imagine the insult to the throne?  He even referred to our home as a 'fixer-upper'. 

Tsar Doug............hoping that the Emporer T'ang can bail us out of this mess.

PS:  the GD Janet is trying out for her next film, Nanookskia of The North.  It's stars Lassie as the dog that fights the polar bear.  Can you imgine.  That GD Janet is one lucky girl even though her lipstick is a bit off to one side. 

[Janet_W.]

Dear T.D.:

Remember, my gloves are off and I'm wearin' my Manolo Blahniks . . . with the extra spikey heels.

The GD/GP "Gotcha" Janet

P.S. I feel your pain. My dear little 78 room schloss is also in jeopardy. What's a middle class soccer aunty Imperial Claimant to do? Well, I'll tell you. This evenin' I'm drivin' my troika across the Bridge to Somewhere and boarding my own special yacht, The Kamchatka Empress. Then my crew and I will be lookin' for places to drill baby drill.

 

[Robert_Hall]

My dear Tsar Doug,
 Whatever have you done with the 3 sterling silver buckets of diamonds and the other of assorted rubies, emeralds & saphires [we call the xmas tree ornaments around here]?
Yet, on behalf of the justly and legally incapacitated Emperor T'ang in exile, I can offer further assistance in the form of a no-interest loan from our newly acquired Bank of Yildiz.  Just ask how much you require and  which currency you prefer- dollars [yuck] pounds sterling, Euros or roubles.
 We can also manage  Chinese yuan,  but it is a bit more complicated now..
 And, a new feature we offer is payment-in-kind. A rare treat of  free [sort of] labour and workmanship, political favours and influence [limited strictly to American ploiticians] and even use of the Imperial T'ang yacht.[limited availability, currently in dry-dock for a refit]
 Graciuously,
  HRH Lord Robert, Absolute Imperial Regent of the  Forbidden City-in Exile [aka the Withering T'ang Dynasty].

[Douglas]

Hello there HRH Robert:

Yes, we did  have the four buckets of precious stones.  But there is one big problem.  We loaned them as collateral over at the Tsarskoe Imperial Bank for some quick cash for this fixer-upper we call the AP or 'home sweet home'.  Now the bank has up and loaned  the loan out to another fly=by=night bank and they somehow lost track of the four buckets and no one knows where they are.  Kind of a mess.  All I can say is we are so sorry and please do forgive us these silver bucket errors.  I hope we're still friends.

Tsar Doug...........getting ready to testify in Court next week.

PS:  GD Janet....do you mind making a real quick stop at the dock in Petersburg?  Do you have room for a few more guests?  I always loved your yacht.  You know I do.    Shhh...top secret.  We can bring some snacks.

[Janet_W.]

Dearest T.D., what ARE you talking about? Bringing the Kamchatka Empress over to the dock at St. P will take MONTHS by water, and if it went overland, pulled by oxen . . . . well, you UNDERSTAND the dilemma, I am sure. I don't care WHAT kind of snacks you have available, I just don't see it happening, T.D.

Gettin' out my oil drill and refreshin' my lipstick, I remain

The GD/GP Janet

[Robert_Hall]

As we are  beginning to prepare for our sojourn to  London & Istanbul,  dusting off the Louis Vuiton trunks, we find we have excess cash. Pity,  but currency regulations are  strictly in force nowadays.  Would 2 million gold piastres help you out, Tsar Doug? Naturally we remain friends.
 This packing chore is so tiresome without a full staff, most of whom are still on their negotiated 6 week paid holiday before resuming to their  labours here at the Forbidden City-in exile. Speaking of which, we have the new malachite dining room floor waiting to be installed,  with  Italian marble borders- yummu!
 We have also recently leased out the Imperial Yacht- Bao Dai Tsu Tsi Pu Yi, [it is a pretty big boat] to some pretentious republican celebrity, hope it sinks. It is well insured. Of course all of the valuable pieces have been removed, those people are  thieves, don't cha know...
  Cheers all,
 HRH Lord Robert, Absolute Regent, etc.
 Oh, not to worry, TD. The buckets are hallmarked and may well  show up on Ebay. We have plenty in any case, have bought a Tiffany  warehouse some time ago.

[Douglas]

Dearest Imperials:

Not to worry.  We have decided to hang here at the AP even though it's in foreclosure.  I have applied to the Bank of Iceland for a quickie loan of twenty dollars to make a payment on the basement apartment we may move into.

Lord Robert assures me that he will send another silver bucket but we have no ice to put fill it with, so what's the use.  Maybe this one will have a few diamonds inside.

GD Janet's yacht is stuck in some canal near Saudi Arabia and needs a tug to pull her free of the sand.  We had to eat the snacks that were prepared. 

Tsar Doug.............anticipating a meltdown of our stash of Eskimo Pies.

[Douglas]

Dearest Claimants:

Well, I must announce the sad news to you.  I put all of the money from the Imperial Accounts into the Bank of Iceland.  They promised me one half of one percent more interest.  I did it all for you, my dear and loyal royals.  As usual I always think first of our dear serfs.

Now this naughty bank has gone bust and we are left without our account.  Those rascal Icelanders only want to pay off the Ice people and leave us Russian and others out in the raw cold.

Do you all mind if I declare the Imperial court to be Icelanders for a while or so?  That way I can get our fifty rubles back, plus the kopeck of interest.

Tsar Doug.......always thinking of you dear ones [Maybe we are Icelanders now....who knows?].

PS:  could someone lend me their extra winter coat?  [ I had to pawn my good one with the little fur collar.  Sorry. ]

PS:  I do hope that Lord Robert's ice bucket gets here today and that the GD Janet's silver skates don't get melted down.  Remember how we all cheered her and Tonya at the Olympics?  Whatever happened to that dear and lovely Tonya?  There was a real champ.

[Robert_Hall]

Narry a fret, TD.  We have dispatched not only TWO sterling buckets filled with  precious gems, but also a spare Collar of our Own  Order of the Regency of the Imperial Court of the Forbidden City-in exile. This emcompasses  a rather complicated  chain of Chinese calligraphics. in precious metals, of course.  It comes in quite handy at certain fine loan establishments. Been known to buy a palace or two, as well as many other favours along the way. And, we have found in the attic a pair of CARMEN MIRANDA'S original RUBY platform shoes!! Yes, the very  things themselves, with REAL rubies!! They are yours to  loan to GD Janet as she is wont to dance along to rhumbas and such. These would make a real spectacle to behold. They no longer fit me, and besides, my chi-chi-boom days are long over. I still have a fondness, however, for my   Faberge fruited turban and   jeweled dance outfit. Embroidered by GD Marie Pavlovna herself, in Paris. Liberace almost got away with it, but he had to settle for a cheap copy.
  {oh, please do not tell Sir Elton about the shoes, he has had his eyes on them for years, but his days have been over longer than mine!}
 I shall be happy to send along any further trinkets of worth, as they may turn up in our process of cleaning out the basements and attics. Y, how we accumulate such things along the Yellow Brick Road of life....
 Chers,
 Lord Robert, etc.
 

[Janet_W.]

Ay yi yi. Well, guess it's back to pushing the taco cart. Once I break Tsar Doug's kneecaps, that is.

The GD/GP "Call me Tonya" Janet

[Douglas]

Thank gawd for that old taco cart.  Now I can begin to collect some taxes and were back in the game.  Happy days are here again...

Tonya?  My fav Olympics star of all time.  Just ignore the multiple felonies and she's can still do the triple axel at Iceland. 

Tsar Doug..........watching the mail for the silver ice buckets....Lord Robert.....such a dear.