Author Topic: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to  (Read 8576 times)

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Offline Tania+

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Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« on: May 12, 2006, 12:59:32 AM »
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Dear Friends,

I have been holding back, thinking I was strong enough, and not weak to ask for your support.
In the end, I have decided it is not wrong to reach out to others, to ask for help and support,
if only in asking for your words of thoughts.

Tonight, I finally have come to the end of trying to put on a brave face, or that I can weather
this alone. Plain and simple, as a human being, i can't. I hope therefore you can excuse my
frailties in writing out my thoughts to you here, and thank you for your heart and ears.

Today, as well as this last six months, my family and I are going through extremes of issues of illnesses, which hold difficulty in every way long and short term. One of our parents is going through pace maker issues, cervical cancer, and added complications, hospitalized just early this morning. I am again on the tip of fighting with every thing I have, not to go back on dialysis. Outcome there, possibly no donor as I am o negative, and no match to date. I can take no medications what so ever because I have only 20% left of kidneys functioning. So with daily chronic pain, it is very hard at times to focus, let alone function. I apologize for any upset to any of AP members. It is not intentional to cause either upset, or be affrontive to any of you. At this time, all my physicians can offer me is dialysis, and that is all in the end, period. For the past three years, by the grace of prayer, I have lived, and continue to live, because that is all I have left to hold on to. My physicians are at a loss in terms of how I have been able to live this long without dialysis.

I express this so you might understand a little of why I may seem a bit of a distance. I have never had to go through such a humbling experience as this, and don’t know how to express my thoughts on this, other than allow you into my experience to date. I have written to physicians around the globe asking what solutions there are for chronic round the clock pain. They have no answers to date. I have taken the liberty of writing to some of you here, thinking you might have answers. To date from every place, it is the same answer, nobody knows, and so with difficulty, I fight to continue another day. I can’t even take any medication to treat the Multiple sclerosis. I feel totally lost in this battle at times, but then again, faith seems to see me through. I genuinely am thankful that this forum exists, and for the many of you who have been kind enough to offer me uplift, and words of hope.

I write to ask first for your forgiveness for any rudeness I may have caused any of you. Secondly if at all possible, you might be able to offer me a thought, or if at all, a prayer that I may have if at all possible, diminished pain. I know I can’t ask for anything else, because it is out of our control and I will have to deal with what is. So, if you might have a moment, I ask for a positive way for me to hold on to good thoughts, or even a beautiful picture of beauty, anywhere in the world, and if at all possible, a short prayer for our loved ones, and for me.Thank you for your time and your kindness to read my post.

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Offline aussiechick12

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2006, 01:42:30 AM »
Dear Tania,

First of all I would like to aknowledge how brave you are to have written how you feel and what you are going through to so many people. It is an amazing thing to do.
I will defintley be praying for you to be healed from your suffering, and your family. You are such a positive and happy person that nothing can break you.
By praying and believing nothing bad can happen. And I will be praying and believing along with you as I'm sure some many people will be after reading this.

Keep up the cheerful attitude  :)

Emma *hugs*
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Offline Ra-Ra-Rasputin

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2006, 11:37:36 AM »
Tania, thank you for sharing this with us.  It is never weak to ask for help; only the strongest people are brave enough to admit that they can't cope on their own.

I am so sorry for the terrible suffering you have to endure on a daily basis.  I can't imagine.

Rest assured that my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

And don't apologise for coming across a little brusque to some of us. Sometimes we are all a little short with people when we are going through personal difficulties.  I'm sure everyone can understand that.  No need to ask for forgiveness at all.

Your ability to carry on, and with a smile and a kind word to everyone, is admirable and shows how strong and brave you are.  You are a humbling inspiration to all of us who are fortunate enough not to have to cope with such things.  I hope with all my heart that your condition improves and some way can be found to make you feel better, very, very soon.  Stay strong and remain positive. :)

With warmest wishes,

Rachel
xx

'History teaches that history teaches us nothing' ~ Hegel

Offline Prince_Lieven

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2006, 01:09:57 PM »
Dear Tania,

I can only echo Rachel and Emma's lovely words - don't give up, and certainly don't feel bad about asking for help. You and your family will be in my prayers in the coming weeks, I hope everything turns out alright.
"How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?"
-Sherlock Holmes

"Men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget."

Offline Laura Mabee

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2006, 02:11:47 PM »
Dearest Tania,
First and formost don't apologise! There is no need to in the least. I agree with everything that Emma and Rachel said as well. You and yours are in my prayers. I do hope for the best for you. *many hugs*  :-*

Offline Kimberly

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2006, 03:18:21 PM »
Dearest Tania, my heart and thoughts are with you and yours. Have you tried any alternative therapies such as Acupuncture or Hypnotherapy for your pain? Regards Kimxxx
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Offline Tania+

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2006, 10:11:47 PM »
[size=10]I am again overcome by the kindness in that you have paused a moment in your busy schedules to offer your thoughts, and your prayers. I take them with the most treasured thoughts of each of your hearts. Now I know why people say that faith and good people are the best that one could ask for, for nothing can match such sentiments.

As some of you know, for over 15 years I have battled both multiple sclerosis. For almost five years kidney issues. It was initially on the kidney issue, that my health was not watched correctly by my past physicians, and why I ended up on dialysis for a bit over 3 years. The chronic pain is from sensory peripherial neuropathy. [I also have acid reflux] In my case, I burn in my head, back, legs, feet, but most invasive is that in my heels. The burning is like my flesh is raw feeling wise. In the heels it feels as if razor cuts have been slashed on them, and in all places of the burning, it burns almost into the bone. I am not diabetic either. Three years ago, I left dialysis because I felt it would not end well for me. I carefully monitored my health issues, all I ingested, as well making sure my potasium intake was almost nill. My creatinine was 19 when i went into and onto dialysis. They said I could have died right then. But I guess I'm too tough for death to take me yet :) When my creatnine went down to 4.2, I left. They told me I would be dead in a day or two. I told them I would live! Today despite their everyday apprehensions, and protests, and lectures that I need dialysis, I tell them that as logn as my labs prove otherwise, and don't go past 7, I intend to fight staying off of it. [Most nephrologists think that anything past 6 automatically places you on dialysis immediately]. I fear greatly [after being on dialysis for those little over three years] that it will be a no win, one way ticket to staying on dialysis. I am o negative, a giver, but can only take my blood type, etc. There was nobody all during that time, and I am told that for most people, a person can stay on dialysis no more than 7 years. I believe what I do, because of what I have endured, and based on all the information given to me to date. I can take these issues kind of, but the fear still gets to me in regards to going on dialysis. I have also been told, I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I feel and see my hands starting to knarl. The pain is starting to be a bit more than bothersome there...

At one time I was on morophine patches, but when I went on dialysis, I stopped cold turkey. I can't even take asprin now. I go weekly for accupuncture, but it only takes a bite of out the pain. My sleep has been altered drastically as well. I usually go to sleep about 11:30p.m., or 12:30p.m., but in about an hour, for some reason, I am awake again, and awake till five or six in the morning. This has been going on over 14 years. The combination of everything pouring in on me is more than stressful, and terribly distressing. I try to keep quiet most of the time, and try not to disturb my family or others. But, sometimes, I reach out to people on the AP website, and confide, or express my issues somewhat. I don't know what else to do, as my health is very complicated, physicians have told me. Even the accupuncturist tells me it is, but they work with me to help me find some solution where possible. Unfortunately western medicine has nothing to offer but pushing pills, and instilling fear into patients.

I don't know how long I can go on, but I am determined to fight for my life, my way, and to reach out to those of you who will not be bothered by my mumblings at times... :D and I will not be done in by fear either by physicians who don't know what they are treating, but tell me I have to do it their way. If I had listened to them, I might have been dead already a couple times already, or still living in fear on dialysis. I'm an advocate for over 30 years, and I am savvy enough to know my body well enough.

But, I still reach out to find out 'if' there is any advancement in terms of treating chronic pain w/meds,
without being runious to my internal organs, or remainder of kidney use. That I pray for round the clock.

If you have questions, or want to offer me sage, I don't mind. What I also like, is to read beautiful poetry, look at beautiful scenery of paintings, or pictures of your trips, or exteriors, interiors of beautiful houses of faith. I also read voraciously all of the wonderful stories you offer on your lives, varying personas of history, and of course the Imperial Family. I also sing, and am looking for a pianist to accompany me, so I can go out and offer uplift for others who think there may be no hope.I want you to know, I'm comforted in just being here, and drinking in the spirit, the defining voices that speak of freedoms, and how well we merge together to figure out some issues that have stumped most of human kind. More than anything,you have reminded me with your words and sentiments, that indeed faith, and hope is worth holding on to. I look forward continuing on this board, if i may, for as long as possible.I will look here from time to time, to gain whatever any of you might wish to share or offer. Perhaps it will be of supportive measure for others going through like or similar issues of health.Thank you all again. I hug each of you in dear friendship, and offer each of you God's Blessings !
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Offline GD Alexandra

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2006, 12:30:57 AM »
My dear Tania, just want to make you know you're already in my prayers, you are so strong!I'll keep you in my heart and wish all your hopes to be fulfilled  :D :D :D We are all here to support you.

A BIG BEAR HUG!!!,
Alexandra

Offline aussiechick12

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2006, 03:38:59 AM »
You are such a fighter and a brave person! I wish I could have the same courage and moral strength you have!! Again you will be in my prayers and thoughts. I really want to say how much I care for you, it seems like such a painful thing to be going through.
You have asked for some beautiful poetry and to look at beautiful paintings ect and in my next post I will give you some - I just want to find the right ones before hand. I will be posting again soon and I want to hear everything your going through or anything you feel like getting off your chest. You are in my prayers.

*hugs* Emma
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Princess_Olishka

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2006, 05:02:08 AM »
My heart is with you, my dear Tania, and you are forever in my thoughts and prayers! You are intensely brave and remember: all us AP members are here for you and love you! I am glad that you shared this with me. God grant everything will turn out alright! Continue to be brave!

*I hug you heaps and  :-**
from yr. fellow devoted AP member, Olga.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 PM by Princess_Olishka »

Offline Laura Mabee

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2006, 10:51:02 AM »
Dearest Tatiana,
I can only wish for the strength that you have displayed. You are a strong and very brave woman.
You are in not only my thoughts and prayers but my family is keeping you in their thoughts and prayers as well.
Many *hugs* go out to you.

ferngully

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2006, 03:03:56 AM »
having not visited the forum a lot over the past 5 months, i haven't been aware of this among other things. i really hope you will hold on for as long as you can, life is sweet :-* i wish for your pain to be eased, i will be thinking for you tonight
selina                                    xxxxxxxxxx

Offline Yseult

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2006, 03:26:29 AM »
What could I say, Tania...? All my tenderness and my emotional support are flying from here to the place where you are now. I´m thinking of you and praying for you!


Offline reashka

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #13 on: May 17, 2006, 08:54:32 AM »
Dear Tania,

What a strong and faithful person you are! God loves you so much that He let you have a bittersweet blessing and gave you a faith as high as a mountain. Sometimes He has plans that no man can surpass for His thoughts are not ours, but I know He has greater plans for you and your family, it may be hard at first but He'll give us faith and wisdom to understand all of this. The Lord is more than enough. I promise to pray for you and all your loved one, do not be discourage by the sadness the world has showed you because you have a God and people who loves you so.
Dare not to be indifferent

Offline Tania+

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Re: Faith, and a little hope to hold on to
« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2006, 12:34:58 PM »
[size=10]Dear Friends,

I am richer than I ever thought I could be! You are all enriching my daily life with your prayers, your words of uplift, your kindness to remember me at all.

I may not be able to take any medication for anything, but I have won out in the long term. All of YOU have become my daily medication. Each day, or in the evening, I come to this thead, and re read your posts. You don't know how much of what you offer, seeps into my very being. I am starting to believe they will have curative powers. If I only hold on to my prayers, my family, and your endless generosity of words, then I know I will overcome much. Thank you all again. You remain in my heart, my families, forever. God Bless you and yours !

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